These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
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