I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
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On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
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