Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Im just a social blackout drinker.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
ttyl tear gas
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Less talking, more tequila
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Semen is not good for contacts.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
We just shotgunned beers for America
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
they're reeeeeally big trays
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I think I have vodka in my lungs
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
you inspire me to be a worse person
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
We left an ass print on the piano.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You're like the curious george of whores
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"