6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
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You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I want her autograph on my taint
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
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