I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
