While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
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Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Less talking, more tequila
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
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