Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
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