i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
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We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
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