I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
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party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Can Purell be used as lube?
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
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