i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Send us your Text From Last Night!
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
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