you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
It's never too late to be topless.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
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