i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
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how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
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