I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
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found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
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