i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Send us your Text From Last Night!
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
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