you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
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his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
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