I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Send us your Text From Last Night!
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
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