Texts From Last Night

Darth_Taco's Favorites Texts:

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  (512): View more from Texas

  I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone

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  (512): I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone http://tfl.nu/z79l
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.

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  (306): I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it. http://tfl.nu/pxhw
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.

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  (208): If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas. http://tfl.nu/e1hv
  Replies (4) Good night (1069) Bad night (168) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.

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  (360): Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home. http://tfl.nu/g7t7
  Replies (8) Good night (1259) Bad night (330) Order T-Shirt
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  (787): View more from Puerto Rico

  Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM

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  (787): Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM http://tfl.nu/4phi
  Replies (16) Good night (1077) Bad night (122) Order T-Shirt
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  (805): View more from California

  WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH

  (1-805): View more from California

  budget cuts

  (805): View more from California

  YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS

  (1-805): View more from California

  budget cuts are serious business

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  (805): WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH (1-805): budget cuts (805): YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS (1-805): budget cuts are serious business http://tfl.nu/xrnj
  Replies (14) Good night (2968) Bad night (400)
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?

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  (602): Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house? http://tfl.nu/arpl
  Replies (13) Good night (3031) Bad night (223)
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  (949): View more from California

  Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.

  (562): View more from California

  The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me

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  (949): Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life. (562): The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me http://tfl.nu/pb5f
  Replies (5) Good night (1243) Bad night (259)
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?

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  (614): The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me? http://tfl.nu/yci0
  Replies (16) Good night (2935) Bad night (176)
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.

  (410): View more from Maryland

  The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.

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  (443): Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good. (410): The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky. http://tfl.nu/y3f5
  Replies (10) Good night (550) Bad night (1541)
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.

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  (484): there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now. http://tfl.nu/o3be
  Replies (12) Good night (406) Bad night (1187)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".

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  (303): exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake". http://tfl.nu/t5lj
  Replies (7) Good night (309) Bad night (968) Order T-Shirt
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.

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  (701): Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man. http://tfl.nu/tr3t
  Replies (7) Good night (2355) Bad night (146)
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  (716): View more from New York

  Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?

  (585): View more from New York

  Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.

  (716): View more from New York

  .......

  (585): View more from New York

  I'm just looking out for you.

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  (716): Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday? (585): Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change. (716): ....... (585): I'm just looking out for you. http://tfl.nu/cj8v
  Replies (15) Good night (1786) Bad night (273)
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.

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  (907): Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman. http://tfl.nu/89v9
  Replies (14) Good night (1714) Bad night (355) Order T-Shirt
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  (925): View more from California

  Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.

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  (925): Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT. http://tfl.nu/tojt
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  (469): View more from Texas

  Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.

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  (469): Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked. http://tfl.nu/5hhs
  Replies (8) Good night (994) Bad night (424) Order T-Shirt
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  (916): View more from California

  ............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help

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  (916): ............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help http://tfl.nu/sdm1
  Replies (6) Good night (210) Bad night (1201)
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.

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  (918): She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup. http://tfl.nu/rkhg
  Replies (8) Good night (449) Bad night (1077) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?

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  (914): He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption? http://tfl.nu/z5ix
  Replies (11) Good night (1375) Bad night (248) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I'm pregnant.

  (1-407): View more from Florida

  The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???

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  (407): I'm pregnant. (1-407): The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number??? http://tfl.nu/ivb7
  Replies (15) Good night (1035) Bad night (1615) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.

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  (412): So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now. http://tfl.nu/x0w2
  Replies (5) Good night (1079) Bad night (601) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.

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  (914): Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73. http://tfl.nu/mdyq
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for

  (804): View more from Virginia

  Oh my god she just threw up on her dog

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  (804): I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for (804): Oh my god she just threw up on her dog http://tfl.nu/gcjh
  Replies (5) Good night (511) Bad night (901)
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.

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  (302): You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English. http://tfl.nu/fod6
  Replies (5) Good night (329) Bad night (1190)
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  (845): View more from New York

  Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"

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  (845): Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him" http://tfl.nu/pb7e
  Replies (9) Good night (921) Bad night (351) Order T-Shirt
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.

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  (651): We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom. http://tfl.nu/dyyq
  Replies (3) Good night (1756) Bad night (190) Order T-Shirt
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete

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  (973): They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete http://tfl.nu/wsoe
  Replies (3) Good night (1342) Bad night (132) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.

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  (914): I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP. http://tfl.nu/wc3n
  Replies (11) Good night (1530) Bad night (438) Order T-Shirt
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.

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  (423): There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears. http://tfl.nu/uyth
  Replies (3) Good night (789) Bad night (214) Order T-Shirt
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.

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  (540): Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat. http://tfl.nu/hg85
  Replies (4) Good night (1500) Bad night (221)
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  (714): View more from California

  Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.

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  (714): Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee. http://tfl.nu/zv29
  Replies (16) Good night (1865) Bad night (585) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can

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  (412): attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can http://tfl.nu/zc74
  Replies (7) Good night (379) Bad night (890) Order T-Shirt
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?

  (1-615): View more from Tennessee

  By a pack of ravenous dildos

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  (615): Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right? (1-615): By a pack of ravenous dildos http://tfl.nu/hx21
  Replies (3) Good night (1503) Bad night (146) Order T-Shirt
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.

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  (231): I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it. http://tfl.nu/oche
  Replies (8) Good night (1227) Bad night (438) Order T-Shirt
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water

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  (701): I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water http://tfl.nu/kjo7
  Replies (4) Good night (136) Bad night (1151) Order T-Shirt
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  (254): View more from Texas

  Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table

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  (254): Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table http://tfl.nu/xk9z
  Replies (4) Good night (949) Bad night (156) Order T-Shirt
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  (209): View more from California

  I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.

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  (209): I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins. http://tfl.nu/devk
  Replies (11) Good night (1537) Bad night (165) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Bad breakup?

  (1-410): View more from Maryland

  He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.

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  (410): Bad breakup? (1-410): He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB. http://tfl.nu/4dsn
  Replies (52) Good night (750) Bad night (4895)
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.

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  (630): We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade. http://tfl.nu/0t6i
  Replies (12) Good night (982) Bad night (302) Order T-Shirt
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room

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  (502): Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room http://tfl.nu/pqte
  Replies (2) Good night (545) Bad night (424) Order T-Shirt
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  (916): View more from California

  She said she liked strap-ons.

  (1-916): View more from California

  SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!

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  (916): She said she liked strap-ons. (1-916): SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER! http://tfl.nu/41v6
  Replies (14) Good night (1977) Bad night (237) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?

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  (310): My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here? http://tfl.nu/bu6m
  Replies (5) Good night (1582) Bad night (177) Order T-Shirt
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.

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  (905): sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night. http://tfl.nu/nv7h
  Replies (5) Good night (606) Bad night (887) Order T-Shirt
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  (972): View more from Texas

  The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.

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  (972): The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now. http://tfl.nu/6t25
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.

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  (612): I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms. http://tfl.nu/079r
  Replies (24) Good night (2051) Bad night (199) Order T-Shirt
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  (787): View more from Puerto Rico

  Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking

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  (787): Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking http://tfl.nu/wzvh
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.

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  (717): Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend. http://tfl.nu/7j2q
  Replies (9) Good night (908) Bad night (373)
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.

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  (541): And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background. http://tfl.nu/q3vc
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  (+32): View more from Belgium

  It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched

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  (+32): It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched http://tfl.nu/cbi6
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.

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  (407): Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck. http://tfl.nu/ldxl
  Replies (14) Good night (176) Bad night (1250) Order T-Shirt
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"

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  (204): So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you" http://tfl.nu/y1sq
  Replies (6) Good night (299) Bad night (1899) Order T-Shirt
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"

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  (719): I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!" http://tfl.nu/n0v3
  Replies (2) Good night (987) Bad night (183) Order T-Shirt
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  (979): View more from Texas

  A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.

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  (979): A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her. http://tfl.nu/dqlo
  Replies (12) Good night (391) Bad night (1145) Order T-Shirt
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'

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  (+61): it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride' http://tfl.nu/25m4
  Replies (4) Good night (941) Bad night (170) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.

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  (816): Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion. http://tfl.nu/6cof
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  (951): View more from California

  omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited

  (951): View more from California

  dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles

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  (951): omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited (951): dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles http://tfl.nu/4z6p
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"

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  (905): they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about" http://tfl.nu/sw9a
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  (917): View more from New York City

  bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.

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  (917): bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was. http://tfl.nu/th2f
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday

  (1-604): View more from British Columbia

  WHY AM I NOT THERE?

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  (604): Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday (1-604): WHY AM I NOT THERE? http://tfl.nu/j17k
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.

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  (720): So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together. http://tfl.nu/i6go
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.

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  (601): Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm. http://tfl.nu/epij
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?

  (913): View more from Kansas

  I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.

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  (337): Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell? (913): I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space. http://tfl.nu/aqjc
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH

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  (973): he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH http://tfl.nu/asic
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  "I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken

  (269): View more from Michigan

  "Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy

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  (269): "I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken (269): "Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy http://tfl.nu/49f2
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.

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  (814): I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before. http://tfl.nu/yjkb
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.

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  (484): He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER. http://tfl.nu/q9ww
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  (509): View more from Washington

  He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.

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  (509): He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes. http://tfl.nu/sfqd
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  (516): View more from New York

  Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.

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  (516): Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend. http://tfl.nu/jc2j
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  (323): View more from California

  Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.

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  (323): Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking. http://tfl.nu/kzzf
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  (209): View more from California

  Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.

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  (209): Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before. http://tfl.nu/iyhk
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"

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  (613): She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!" http://tfl.nu/0i27
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  (914): View more from New York

  Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.

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  (914): Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius. http://tfl.nu/p1hh
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  (207): View more from Maine

  It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.

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  (207): It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective. http://tfl.nu/0c9h
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.

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  (937): I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart. http://tfl.nu/okmj
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.

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  (337): By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day. http://tfl.nu/1a9r
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.

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  (206): I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine. http://tfl.nu/p8ml
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  (253): View more from Washington

  don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor

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  (253): don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor http://tfl.nu/wvuf
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.

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  (773): Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather. http://tfl.nu/isyp
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  (661): View more from California

  Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.

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  (661): Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head. http://tfl.nu/dct5
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.

  (309): View more from Illinois

  Too low?

  (224): View more from Illinois

  Yes.

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  (224): This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd. (309): Too low? (224): Yes. http://tfl.nu/cgtr
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!

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  (519): My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!! http://tfl.nu/hi1l
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.

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  (610): this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all. http://tfl.nu/9oal
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  (845): View more from New York

  Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person

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  (845): Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person http://tfl.nu/riak
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it

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  (215): It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it http://tfl.nu/0xgu
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  (914): View more from New York

  I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.

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  (914): I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned. http://tfl.nu/4ebq
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  (845): View more from New York

  I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'

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  (845): I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.' http://tfl.nu/qnb2
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.

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  (517): my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win. http://tfl.nu/1toi
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  (206): View more from Washington

  The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.

  (909): View more from California

  Whaaaaaat? No way.

  (206): View more from Washington

  Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.

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  (206): The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag. (909): Whaaaaaat? No way. (206): Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier. http://tfl.nu/t9qj
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.

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  (720): Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something. http://tfl.nu/z9g9
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  (909): View more from California

  So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment

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  (909): So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment http://tfl.nu/2pzw
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.

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  (847): As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave. http://tfl.nu/cfsr
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...

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  (407): Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background... http://tfl.nu/gjfo
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!

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  (702): i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield! http://tfl.nu/o1fu
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.

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  (440): So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too. http://tfl.nu/fbz1
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian

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  (775): A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian http://tfl.nu/crio
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break

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  (616): My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break http://tfl.nu/h428
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  (650): View more from California

  My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.

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  (650): My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings. http://tfl.nu/futo
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.

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  (843): Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho. http://tfl.nu/pobq
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'

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  (309): he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins' http://tfl.nu/d755
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  This baby is an asshole

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  (517): This baby is an asshole http://tfl.nu/mlzh
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  (281): View more from Texas

  I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass

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  (281): I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass http://tfl.nu/c4rp
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!

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  (910): It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed! http://tfl.nu/bbxy
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.

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  (404): Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me. http://tfl.nu/r7qw
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.

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  (603): If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines. http://tfl.nu/3y2e
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.

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  (519): We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way. http://tfl.nu/bqx1
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  (585): View more from New York

  Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know

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  (585): Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know http://tfl.nu/3xrv
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.

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  (616): Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing. http://tfl.nu/tiqf
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  (742): View more from

  All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.

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  (742): All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat. http://tfl.nu/3hf2
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.

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  (702): Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism. http://tfl.nu/d72k
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.

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  (970): bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog. http://tfl.nu/rc38
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  (561): View more from Florida

  The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.

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  (561): The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year. http://tfl.nu/xsav
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.

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  (847): I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic. http://tfl.nu/aejw
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.

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  (251): Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night. http://tfl.nu/kxkv
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM

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  (703): I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM http://tfl.nu/jp0v
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  (512): View more from Texas

  In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.

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  (512): In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes. http://tfl.nu/9eez
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.

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  (601): Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question. http://tfl.nu/eb7h
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!

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  (913): To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor! http://tfl.nu/4jfz
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  (713): View more from Texas

  just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!

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  (713): just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success! http://tfl.nu/u8oi
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  (972): View more from Texas

  we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry

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  (972): we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry http://tfl.nu/ax9j
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.

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  (603): NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING. http://tfl.nu/lnbz
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us

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  (416): no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us http://tfl.nu/s0m4
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  (661): View more from California

  ive cried into many a lonely burritos..

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  (661): ive cried into many a lonely burritos.. http://tfl.nu/4c82
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.

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  (336): Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend. http://tfl.nu/6ua4
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?

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  (519): Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar? http://tfl.nu/o2qi
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!

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  (317): Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour! http://tfl.nu/4bwc
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  (315): View more from New York

  If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".

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  (315): If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one". http://tfl.nu/zydx
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  (904): View more from Florida

  just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind

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  (904): just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind http://tfl.nu/p8c9
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.

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  (812): An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw. http://tfl.nu/0rhv
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife

  (1-913): View more from Kansas

  Tearing families apart since 2011.

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  (913): Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife (1-913): Tearing families apart since 2011. http://tfl.nu/djlc
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.

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  (860): Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now. http://tfl.nu/0rnz
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan

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  (717): I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan http://tfl.nu/f98a
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus

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  (248): My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus http://tfl.nu/w26d
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  (619): View more from California

  Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it

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  (619): Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it http://tfl.nu/st9u
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  (+64): View more from New Zealand

  Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.

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  (+64): Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed. http://tfl.nu/5kj1
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"

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  (314): Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do" http://tfl.nu/rrgq
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.

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  (612): I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name. http://tfl.nu/i0ig
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"

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  (636): Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!" http://tfl.nu/8gr1
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"

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  (303): I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis" http://tfl.nu/qqqf
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!

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  (765): Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you! http://tfl.nu/2ivd
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.

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  (702): Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love. http://tfl.nu/o3bo
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.

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  (608): I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week. http://tfl.nu/5pj6
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  (206): View more from Washington

  be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.

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  (206): be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age. http://tfl.nu/oer4
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin

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  (816): And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin http://tfl.nu/pn96
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  (696): View more from

  Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?

  (451): View more from

  Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes

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  (696): Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right? (451): Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes http://tfl.nu/39ll
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes

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  (303): idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes http://tfl.nu/2i45
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".

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  (610): Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember". http://tfl.nu/q5o1
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?

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  (928): You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect? http://tfl.nu/nafu
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"

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  (814): Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose" http://tfl.nu/62vb
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  We still on for coffee?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.

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  (443): We still on for coffee? (410): Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45. http://tfl.nu/m7ui
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.

  (512): View more from Texas

  That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?

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  (508): I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur. (512): That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot? http://tfl.nu/yofn
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.

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  (330): I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out. http://tfl.nu/zfn4
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.

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  (416): I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job. http://tfl.nu/hsaj
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"

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  (307): It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically" http://tfl.nu/yzem
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.

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  (517): winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito. http://tfl.nu/1g88
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  (406): View more from Montana

  He makes me want to shower. It must be love.

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  (406): He makes me want to shower. It must be love. http://tfl.nu/y7mq
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Can we agree to not tell mom about this?

  (303): View more from Colorado

  This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.

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  (720): Can we agree to not tell mom about this? (303): This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you. http://tfl.nu/ipdw
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  (415): View more from California

  So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...

  (1-415): View more from California

  So no fakes?

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  (415): So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail... (1-415): So no fakes? http://tfl.nu/49wz
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.

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  (250): You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians. http://tfl.nu/wcxi
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.

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  (606): The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire. http://tfl.nu/g319
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War

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  (704): If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War http://tfl.nu/ppmx
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  (310): View more from California

  Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again

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  (310): Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again http://tfl.nu/9kfj
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball

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  (917): I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball http://tfl.nu/axxp
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time

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  (816): Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time http://tfl.nu/d70u
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"

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  (334): Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!" http://tfl.nu/kpjr
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.

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  (773): WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY. http://tfl.nu/ad4l
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"

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  (480): Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good" http://tfl.nu/cw6w
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  (386): View more from Florida

  Solid. Can't put a price on good times

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  You can and it's called a liver.

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  (386): Solid. Can't put a price on good times (978): You can and it's called a liver. http://tfl.nu/hzws
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.

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  (601): Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though. http://tfl.nu/pqgx
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session

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  (563): Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session http://tfl.nu/02xz
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  (510): View more from California

  A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"

  (1-510): View more from California

  Berkeley was the right choice

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  (510): A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by" (1-510): Berkeley was the right choice http://tfl.nu/la9d
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table

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  (603): therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table http://tfl.nu/r83g
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  (310): View more from California

  Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.

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  (310): Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus. http://tfl.nu/vfqq
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�

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  (318): Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.� http://tfl.nu/j2xa
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302

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  (828): No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry (828): Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302 http://tfl.nu/twph
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.

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  (515): I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower. http://tfl.nu/kyot
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution

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  (513): i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution http://tfl.nu/2azu
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.

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  (210): I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful. http://tfl.nu/5n8j
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game

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  (412): Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game http://tfl.nu/gj5a
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.

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  (252): I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard. http://tfl.nu/2lw3
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you

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  (541): they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you http://tfl.nu/813g
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.

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  (847): He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris. http://tfl.nu/t2sy
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.

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  (605): I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies. http://tfl.nu/al7b
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.

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  (734): In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER. http://tfl.nu/mukx
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'

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  (678): You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow' http://tfl.nu/uw7w
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend

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  (216): every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend http://tfl.nu/09b0
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  (631): View more from New York

  fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic

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  (631): fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic http://tfl.nu/x558
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.

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  (973): Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless. http://tfl.nu/9nhz
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.

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  (224): I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store. http://tfl.nu/th0h
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Did it work?

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.

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  (918): I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over. (336): Did it work? (918): Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door. http://tfl.nu/swzf
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  (914): View more from New York

  We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.

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  (914): We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo. http://tfl.nu/ouwj
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  He's only going to be gone for two weeks

  (1-314): View more from Missouri

  That's two months in gay whore years.

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  (314): He's only going to be gone for two weeks (1-314): That's two months in gay whore years. http://tfl.nu/9nuw
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.

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  (617): Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory. http://tfl.nu/p9v1
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  (562): View more from California

  I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you

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  (562): I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you http://tfl.nu/q7ed
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.

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  (614): Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part. http://tfl.nu/d1vu
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  (310): View more from California

  She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL

  (310): View more from California

  so no, not her best night

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  (310): She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL (310): so no, not her best night http://tfl.nu/htxy
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...

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  (701): Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab... http://tfl.nu/8q0e
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.

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  (303): I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win. http://tfl.nu/uk9u
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  (561): View more from Florida

  I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.

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  (561): I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life. http://tfl.nu/gxts
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell

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  (504): if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell http://tfl.nu/719j
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.

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  (480): In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me. http://tfl.nu/5anz
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?

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  (262): the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here? http://tfl.nu/0zqj
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  (760): View more from California

  Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.

  (619): View more from California

  I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.

  (760): View more from California

  I referred to the cat as amicable.

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  (760): Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat. (619): I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race. (760): I referred to the cat as amicable. http://tfl.nu/ls44
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  (714): View more from California

  She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?

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  (714): She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what? http://tfl.nu/cv8q
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Where the royal fuck are you??

  (1-425): View more from Washington

  The depths of vodka hell.

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  (425): Where the royal fuck are you?? (1-425): The depths of vodka hell. http://tfl.nu/wloy
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????

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  (978): Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right?????? http://tfl.nu/gecs
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?

  (1-314): View more from Missouri

  You're the worst gay friend ever.

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  (314): No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like? (1-314): You're the worst gay friend ever. http://tfl.nu/4trc
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.

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  (+61): I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane. http://tfl.nu/dlou
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  (+93): View more from

  5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...

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  (+93): 5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting... http://tfl.nu/dzib
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.

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  (860): They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult. http://tfl.nu/lsvs
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  (516): View more from New York

  is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?

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  (516): is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is? http://tfl.nu/4m9k
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.

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  (808): He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married. http://tfl.nu/414x
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  (818): View more from California

  So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth

  (323): View more from California

  Gross

  (818): View more from California

  AN ACTUAL PICKLE

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  (818): So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth (323): Gross (818): AN ACTUAL PICKLE http://tfl.nu/hdiy
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"

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  (+61): It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?" http://tfl.nu/jtkv
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.

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  (202): Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that. http://tfl.nu/hdvk
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  (646): View more from New York

  In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.

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  (646): In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night. http://tfl.nu/mfpz
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming

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  (419): Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming http://tfl.nu/qxd7
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.

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  (904): Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time. http://tfl.nu/ddkn
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair

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  (570): I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair http://tfl.nu/vjbt
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  (858): View more from California

  WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.

  (760): View more from California

  You're High aren't you?

  (858): View more from California

  Sooooo high

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  (858): WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service. (760): You're High aren't you? (858): Sooooo high http://tfl.nu/byvy
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  (315): View more from New York

  My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.

  (1-315): View more from New York

  I fucking hate you.

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  (315): My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present. (1-315): I fucking hate you. http://tfl.nu/u3wv
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.

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  (774): We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot. http://tfl.nu/pm9n
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage

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  (201): His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage http://tfl.nu/lo9j
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  How bad is the voicemail?

  (1-864): View more from South Carolina

  You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.

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  (864): How bad is the voicemail? (1-864): You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole. http://tfl.nu/kbpy
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.

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  (740): do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment. http://tfl.nu/04bg
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  My bed is full of blood and feathers

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  (931): My bed is full of blood and feathers http://tfl.nu/0j2w
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  (813): View more from Florida

  If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity

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  (813): If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity http://tfl.nu/nz31
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful

  (1-423): View more from Tennessee

  breakfast of champions

  (423): View more from Tennessee

  breakfast of stoners

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  (423): animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful (1-423): breakfast of champions (423): breakfast of stoners http://tfl.nu/cslr
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.

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  (636): Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome. http://tfl.nu/7z1r
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  (323): View more from California

  He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible

  (310): View more from California

  well did you say yes?

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  (323): He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible (310): well did you say yes? http://tfl.nu/94vg
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.

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  (616): Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward. http://tfl.nu/i5nq
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.

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  (816): We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have. http://tfl.nu/xov4
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab

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  (505): I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab http://tfl.nu/ok4v
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.

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  (317): Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of. http://tfl.nu/wzwb
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.

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  (907): Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid. http://tfl.nu/45so
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.

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  (602): Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk. http://tfl.nu/8anb
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.

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  (503): I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life. http://tfl.nu/c2dk
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.

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  (815): I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex. http://tfl.nu/6un6
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.

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  (610): Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school. http://tfl.nu/m6s5
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  (917): View more from New York City

  You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons

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  (917): You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons http://tfl.nu/5vf8
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night

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  (937): They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night http://tfl.nu/quiu
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  (845): View more from New York

  Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.

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  (845): Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share. http://tfl.nu/wq4n
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.

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  (203): Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid. http://tfl.nu/8q4l
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied

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  (901): She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied http://tfl.nu/t1al
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker

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  (603): you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker http://tfl.nu/4u00
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.

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  (+61): You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success. http://tfl.nu/j71q
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.

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  (832): I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair. http://tfl.nu/tpcg
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.

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  (228): Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me. http://tfl.nu/qpkp
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."

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  (270): It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.." http://tfl.nu/em6p
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  (661): View more from California

  Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room

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  (661): Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room http://tfl.nu/4z49
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.

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  (501): Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us. http://tfl.nu/mzbi
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs

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  (507): Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs http://tfl.nu/tz12
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it

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  (865): I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it http://tfl.nu/0008
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.

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  (309): You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks. http://tfl.nu/3xq6
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  (253): View more from Washington

  We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight

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  (253): We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight http://tfl.nu/nnba
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  (845): View more from New York

  one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down

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  (845): one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down http://tfl.nu/yzd4
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  (607): View more from New York

  You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick

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  (607): You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick http://tfl.nu/kpxh
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.

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  (773): I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in. http://tfl.nu/6fvt
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  (530): View more from California

  My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"

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  (530): My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra" http://tfl.nu/4lmh
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?

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  (501): Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill? http://tfl.nu/quyz
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle

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  (517): I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle http://tfl.nu/r9wf
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever

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  (407): I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever http://tfl.nu/eali
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover

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  (303): I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover http://tfl.nu/1e3z
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  (509): View more from Washington

  So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"

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  (509): So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila" http://tfl.nu/anii
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.

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  (541): Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one. http://tfl.nu/3exv
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  (619): View more from California

  I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"

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  (619): I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn" http://tfl.nu/h75w
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.

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  (812): She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch. http://tfl.nu/v1q1
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  (714): View more from California

  I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.

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  (714): I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off. http://tfl.nu/39nr
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."

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  (973): Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke." http://tfl.nu/posr
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great

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  (719): Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great http://tfl.nu/tj20
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...

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  (503): So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address... http://tfl.nu/a3xh
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  (925): View more from California

  She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set

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  (925): She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set http://tfl.nu/ske1
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students

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  (907): She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students http://tfl.nu/c30c
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB

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  (+44): you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB http://tfl.nu/timz
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  (254): View more from Texas

  I have a surprise for you

  (1-254): View more from Texas

  Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!

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  (254): I have a surprise for you (1-254): Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy! http://tfl.nu/af5l
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  (561): View more from Florida

  Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!

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  (561): Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?! http://tfl.nu/98de
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.

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  (954): Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway. http://tfl.nu/lib4
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?

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  (+61): Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here? http://tfl.nu/9sbn
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.

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  (517): First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness. http://tfl.nu/gw3t
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  (210): View more from Texas

  He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned

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  (210): He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned http://tfl.nu/rsut
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult

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  (813): Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult http://tfl.nu/ufyx
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  (949): View more from California

  i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.

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  (949): i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed. http://tfl.nu/mfiw
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  You're gonna judge me.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Howd you sleep with him already

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  (720): You're gonna judge me. (303): Howd you sleep with him already http://tfl.nu/qfz4
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  (516): View more from New York

  History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.

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  (516): History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad. http://tfl.nu/o7dx
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  (707): View more from California

  Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!

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  (707): Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down! http://tfl.nu/7qyi
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.

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  (615): We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video. http://tfl.nu/j3gr
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.

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  (207): Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck. http://tfl.nu/rwsp
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..

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  (303): I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed.. http://tfl.nu/ghfh
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?

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  (+44): You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman? http://tfl.nu/pxap
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  (518): View more from New York

  I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.

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  (518): I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk. http://tfl.nu/wd6k
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer

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  (724): you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer http://tfl.nu/1l7a
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.

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  (702): There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that. http://tfl.nu/7qcf
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here

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  (719): we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here http://tfl.nu/nyi7
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  (716): View more from New York

  I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome

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  (716): I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome http://tfl.nu/f4q6
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??

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  (850): Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper?? http://tfl.nu/82gs
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass

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  (519): woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass http://tfl.nu/kbek
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.

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  (440): im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know. http://tfl.nu/c5k4
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg

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  (614): We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg http://tfl.nu/vi48
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  (209): View more from California

  She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.

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  (209): She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana. http://tfl.nu/10jo
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  (707): View more from California

  I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs

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  (707): I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs http://tfl.nu/07a7
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner

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  (757): The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner http://tfl.nu/cdsa
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  (310): View more from California

  He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.

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  (310): He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him. http://tfl.nu/0w0d
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.

  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Not my cup of tea

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  (250): I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years. (250): Not my cup of tea http://tfl.nu/83fl
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao

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  (423): On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao http://tfl.nu/dkfy
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer

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  (647): well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer http://tfl.nu/wxzh
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain

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  (970): Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain http://tfl.nu/hjom
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.

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  (316): I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again. http://tfl.nu/j3xl
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.

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  (740): Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves. http://tfl.nu/uw3n
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.

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  (910): He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening. http://tfl.nu/sddk
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  (510): View more from California

  yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him

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  (510): yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him http://tfl.nu/nlke
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  (365): View more from

  As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.

  (1-365): View more from

  I was judging you.

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  (365): As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over. (1-365): I was judging you. http://tfl.nu/3tin
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.

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  (303): He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside. http://tfl.nu/ipia
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.

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  (832): Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles. http://tfl.nu/3k5e
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.

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  (317): The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often. http://tfl.nu/fdr3
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.

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  (602): I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night. http://tfl.nu/7hpm
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me

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  (864): So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me http://tfl.nu/4trs
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  (631): View more from New York

  he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan

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  (631): he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan http://tfl.nu/sol0
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  (607): View more from New York

  just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out

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  (607): just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out http://tfl.nu/axwq
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.

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  (604): So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk. http://tfl.nu/87wr
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.

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  (570): I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo. http://tfl.nu/a7p8
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  (310): View more from California

  I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.

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  (310): I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are. http://tfl.nu/tz5c
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  (310): View more from California

  I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.

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  (310): I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship. http://tfl.nu/r05o
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.

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  (612): There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth. http://tfl.nu/g344
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.

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  (701): second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life. http://tfl.nu/2fc0
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.

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  (270): Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together. http://tfl.nu/2jfm
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  (+41): View more from Switzerland

  How did she break his doorknob?

  (1+41): View more from

  That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.

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  (+41): How did she break his doorknob? (1+41): That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought. http://tfl.nu/2qqq
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  (714): View more from California

  You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.

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  (714): You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus. http://tfl.nu/3jtv
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!

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  (219): If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?! http://tfl.nu/j506
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  (631): View more from New York

  So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.

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  (631): So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown. http://tfl.nu/wxtg
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.

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  (301): I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO. (301): Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever. http://tfl.nu/txh9
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.

  (785): View more from Kansas

  When were you at my house?

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  (913): I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home. (785): When were you at my house? http://tfl.nu/k6cm
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.

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  (203): I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday. http://tfl.nu/b5pa
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  (310): View more from California

  Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub

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  (310): Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub http://tfl.nu/ka0h
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.

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  (816): she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex. http://tfl.nu/xnh2
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  (845): View more from New York

  Make me a sandwich

  (301): View more from Maryland

  The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.

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  (845): Make me a sandwich (301): The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich. http://tfl.nu/al2a
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"

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  (301): Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles" http://tfl.nu/ewys
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear

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  (336): I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear http://tfl.nu/gomj
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.

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  (775): No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon. http://tfl.nu/9xyw
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  (525): View more from

  It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?

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  (525): It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am? http://tfl.nu/0yre
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  (646): View more from New York

  I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.

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  (646): I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly. http://tfl.nu/khhz
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.

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  (260): I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is. http://tfl.nu/8her
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.

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  (706): Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with. http://tfl.nu/r42s
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.

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  (206): Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago. http://tfl.nu/wvly
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  (850): View more from Florida

  The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.

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  (850): The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc. http://tfl.nu/3vm7
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.

  (1-419): View more from Ohio

  I'm out of town so we should be golden.

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  (419): I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me. (1-419): I'm out of town so we should be golden. http://tfl.nu/4amm
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.

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  (306): I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life. http://tfl.nu/odbf
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.

  (1-810): View more from Michigan

  I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.

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  (810): Two word: claymation porn. Think about it. (1-810): I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me. http://tfl.nu/emwe
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.

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  (734): I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons. http://tfl.nu/bvxd
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING

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  (931): THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING http://tfl.nu/7m50
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.

  (1-413): View more from Massachusetts

  Ooooh. Get funfetti

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  (413): Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me. (1-413): Ooooh. Get funfetti http://tfl.nu/46m2
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.

  (1-773): View more from Illinois

  Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.

  (773): View more from Illinois

  We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?

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  (773): What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat. (1-773): Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious. (773): We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru? http://tfl.nu/d3s4
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.

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  (443): Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies. http://tfl.nu/w2xc
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.

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  (337): I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up. http://tfl.nu/g5uf
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.

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  (604): So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom. http://tfl.nu/yo38
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.

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  (307): Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse. http://tfl.nu/w9b1
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  (949): View more from California

  I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.

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  (949): I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night. http://tfl.nu/qme4
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  (707): View more from California

  you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?

  (1-707): View more from California

  yeah, you wanna come?

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  (707): you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store? (1-707): yeah, you wanna come? http://tfl.nu/465p
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.

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  (303): I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers. http://tfl.nu/x72i
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  (904): View more from Florida

  You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.

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  (904): You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award. http://tfl.nu/86ud
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  (817): View more from Texas

  No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...

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  (817): No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex... http://tfl.nu/th3v
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  (631): View more from New York

  Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole

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  (631): Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole http://tfl.nu/78ec
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.

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  (+44): I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring. http://tfl.nu/y78v
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.

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  (704): Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor. http://tfl.nu/wceh
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen

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  (913): I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen http://tfl.nu/cr8z
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Last night was just one giant freudian slip.

  (503): View more from Oregon

  You made out with EVERYBODY.

  (702): View more from Nevada

  Can I just bleach my life?

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  (702): Last night was just one giant freudian slip. (503): You made out with EVERYBODY. (702): Can I just bleach my life? http://tfl.nu/dy05
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.

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  (803): My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband. http://tfl.nu/w0zf
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."

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  (815): Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys." http://tfl.nu/ykbn
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.

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  (505): It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm. http://tfl.nu/vdhu
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  (716): View more from New York

  I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day

  (1-716): View more from New York

  Eh. They balance each other out

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  (716): I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day (1-716): Eh. They balance each other out http://tfl.nu/9dcn
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair

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  (303): well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair http://tfl.nu/spf3
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  sorry

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  why?

  (301): View more from Maryland

  oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?

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  (301): sorry (304): why? (301): oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you? http://tfl.nu/0491
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.

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  (724): This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends. http://tfl.nu/8qq1
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.

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  (403): I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable. http://tfl.nu/k33a
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.

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  (570): If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes. http://tfl.nu/for0
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.

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  (919): Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today. http://tfl.nu/hnp2
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer

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  (865): At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer http://tfl.nu/lzgu
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.

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  (865): She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise. http://tfl.nu/2xsu
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...

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  (240): She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room... http://tfl.nu/pp22
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog

  (989): View more from Michigan

  They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.

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  (989): I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog (989): They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries. http://tfl.nu/meap
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  (830): View more from Texas

  Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?

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  (830): Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas? http://tfl.nu/xrcg
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.

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  (908): P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed. http://tfl.nu/fp9c
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance

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  (774): omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore.... (774): HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance http://tfl.nu/0qjd
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him

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  (317): He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him http://tfl.nu/vd38
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?

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  (847): a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again? http://tfl.nu/tc2t
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  (212): View more from New York

  He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you

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  (212): He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket (617): I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you http://tfl.nu/qdni
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.

  (1-206): View more from Washington

  Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.

  (206): View more from Washington

  Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.

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  (206): Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack. (1-206): Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on. (206): Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together. http://tfl.nu/xcw6
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  (845): View more from New York

  I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.

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  (845): I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears. http://tfl.nu/jlvi
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.

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  (937): Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever. http://tfl.nu/8uev
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition

  (1-317): View more from Indiana

  Impressive. I approve.

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  (317): Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition (1-317): Impressive. I approve. http://tfl.nu/uf2f
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.

  (1-832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Totally acceptable.

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  (832): I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro. (1-832): Totally acceptable. http://tfl.nu/y2av
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  (276): View more from Virginia

  your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.

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  (276): your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight. http://tfl.nu/ity0
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.

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  (401): You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous. http://tfl.nu/cb7r
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.

  (1-313): View more from Michigan

  That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.

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  (313): Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning. (1-313): That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls. http://tfl.nu/sn09
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.

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  (217): Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn. http://tfl.nu/jae6
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  (801): View more from Utah

  After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road

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  (801): After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road http://tfl.nu/nkf2
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you

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  (812): I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you http://tfl.nu/vw2w
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"

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  (720): I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned" http://tfl.nu/ppef
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.

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  (416): i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay. http://tfl.nu/0u7w
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  (214): View more from Texas

  How are ur friends?

  (512): View more from Texas

  One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car

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  (214): How are ur friends? (512): One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car http://tfl.nu/yl37
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.

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  (865): I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it. http://tfl.nu/3j3f
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  (903): View more from Texas

  So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me

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  (903): So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me http://tfl.nu/8jt8
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.

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  (603): Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear. http://tfl.nu/x2nz
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I guess, just don't make it awkward

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY

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  (978): I guess, just don't make it awkward (603): MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY http://tfl.nu/y6gk
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.

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  (702): Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom. http://tfl.nu/ihoh
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.

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  (614): I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose. http://tfl.nu/hj91
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy

  (734): View more from Michigan

  Nevermind. Totally worth it.

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  (734): Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy (734): Nevermind. Totally worth it. http://tfl.nu/cbwr
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.

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  (541): Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me. http://tfl.nu/hakv
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.

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  (417): What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now. http://tfl.nu/j4tm
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.

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  (913): He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka. http://tfl.nu/wfce
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me

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  (514): I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me http://tfl.nu/t69r
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...

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  (+44): A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh... http://tfl.nu/ky7u
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.

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  (413): Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk. http://tfl.nu/4ore
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.

  (703): View more from Virginia

  OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

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  (505): I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy. (703): OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. http://tfl.nu/zfcv
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.

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  (208): You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian. http://tfl.nu/g8r4
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.

  (972): View more from Texas

  Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.

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  (817): Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift. (972): Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking. http://tfl.nu/jm0q
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying

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  (774): Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin (774): He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying http://tfl.nu/waxr
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way

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  (416): Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way http://tfl.nu/xbs0
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.

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  (732): When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails. http://tfl.nu/3vyn
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.

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  (417): It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday. http://tfl.nu/s40o
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  (415): View more from California

  STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU

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  (415): STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU http://tfl.nu/78be
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.

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  (423): They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire. http://tfl.nu/4291
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  (+34): View more from Spain

  First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?

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  (+34): First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here? http://tfl.nu/wg03
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  (631): View more from New York

  he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing

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  (631): he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing http://tfl.nu/xi7n
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.

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  (703): See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians. http://tfl.nu/t1a5
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  he's gonorrhea incarnate

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  (201): he's gonorrhea incarnate http://tfl.nu/krir
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.

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  (613): Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day. http://tfl.nu/48u4
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  (562): View more from California

  So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.

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  (562): So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now. http://tfl.nu/6kpj
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  (916): View more from California

  the gays at disneyland are vicious

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  (916): the gays at disneyland are vicious http://tfl.nu/i9ir
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk

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  (317): I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk http://tfl.nu/c9us
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.

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  (919): My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it. http://tfl.nu/7nca
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  (530): View more from California

  You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours

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  (530): You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours http://tfl.nu/u33l
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.

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  (843): You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you. http://tfl.nu/p8ms
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?

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  (804): I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT? http://tfl.nu/e21q
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  (310): View more from California

  True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?

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  (310): True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant? http://tfl.nu/aiag
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"

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  (270): My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50" http://tfl.nu/q36v
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  (863): View more from Florida

  our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane

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  (863): our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane http://tfl.nu/5abz
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.

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  (214): Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina. http://tfl.nu/1pki
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.

  (1-701): View more from North Dakota

  Are you high?

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  (701): I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea. (1-701): Are you high? http://tfl.nu/ioya
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?

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  (970): Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears? http://tfl.nu/m0sz
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  (916): View more from California

  I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.

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  (916): I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me. http://tfl.nu/xyna
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.

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  (802): shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots. http://tfl.nu/6u08
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?

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  (832): I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went? http://tfl.nu/hldx
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.

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  (970): You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again. http://tfl.nu/ptr6
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....

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  (318): Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going.... http://tfl.nu/9yl4
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird

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  (908): She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird http://tfl.nu/j88i
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  (914): View more from New York

  If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.

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  (914): If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run. http://tfl.nu/cpd8
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  (518): View more from New York

  We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America

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  (518): We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America http://tfl.nu/rqk9
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.

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  (647): so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together. http://tfl.nu/0wgb
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.

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  (202): I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery. (202): That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics. http://tfl.nu/1mv0
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2

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  (336): He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2 http://tfl.nu/rjqf
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina

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  (225): Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina http://tfl.nu/plxw
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.

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  (313): We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood. http://tfl.nu/swis
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.

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  (814): So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird. http://tfl.nu/r3xq
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!

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  (563): Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW! http://tfl.nu/5pvv
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.

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  (702): Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad. http://tfl.nu/3xek
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.

  (773): View more from Illinois

  I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...

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  (312): I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today. (773): I'm not sure which feat is more impressive... http://tfl.nu/ga4t
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  (914): View more from New York

  I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken

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  (914): I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken http://tfl.nu/q5lf
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  (806): View more from Texas

  It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.

  (1-806): View more from Texas

  It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.

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  (806): It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation. (1-806): It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that. http://tfl.nu/9jn5
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  You need to not admit that.

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  (513): We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix (1-513): You need to not admit that. http://tfl.nu/r8yn
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?

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  (651): Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door? http://tfl.nu/hi0q
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  (914): View more from New York

  What are you wearing tonight?

  (510): View more from California

  The colors of the winddddddd

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  (914): What are you wearing tonight? (510): The colors of the winddddddd http://tfl.nu/dt24
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.

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  (206): Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me. http://tfl.nu/grf1
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  (807): View more from Ontario

  I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.

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  (807): I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is. http://tfl.nu/yivs
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.

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  (210): Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it. http://tfl.nu/xm4g
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  (904): View more from Florida

  I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded

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  (904): I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded http://tfl.nu/240k
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  (562): View more from California

  it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats

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  (562): it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats http://tfl.nu/6ylt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.

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  (617): Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home. http://tfl.nu/hrqw
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  (214): View more from Texas

  She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter

  (214): View more from Texas

  Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.

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  (214): She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter (214): Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous. http://tfl.nu/a0w0
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??

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  (785): Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail?? http://tfl.nu/azi4
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well

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  (785): I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well http://tfl.nu/c3um
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories

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  (802): I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories http://tfl.nu/5xj5
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?

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  (780): Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job? http://tfl.nu/b4va
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left

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  (330): I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left http://tfl.nu/2seq
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.

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  (814): My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible. http://tfl.nu/fwco
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  (585): View more from New York

  remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that

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  (585): remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that http://tfl.nu/fcdo
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  (209): View more from California

  Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing

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  (209): Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing http://tfl.nu/4pbh
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!

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  (248): In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list! http://tfl.nu/ms7h
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.

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  (864): I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out. http://tfl.nu/hn3q
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  (432): View more from Texas

  If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall

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  (432): If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall http://tfl.nu/47u9
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.

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  (316): Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip. http://tfl.nu/kzaf
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.

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  (248): Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly. http://tfl.nu/v2ig
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation

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  (931): I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation http://tfl.nu/adcz
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  (310): View more from California

  Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?

  (626): View more from California

  That's two questions.

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  (310): Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away? (626): That's two questions. http://tfl.nu/0koe
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.

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  (573): These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times. http://tfl.nu/8sq6
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call

  (906): View more from Michigan

  Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008

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  (808): They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call (906): Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008 http://tfl.nu/rt6t
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?

  (614): View more from Ohio

  is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?

  (330): View more from Ohio

  how did you know?

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  (330): hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something? (614): is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'? (330): how did you know? http://tfl.nu/tzki
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.

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  (304): I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me. http://tfl.nu/6i2r
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?

  (707): View more from California

  ...did you eat that brownie?

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  (423): Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic? (707): ...did you eat that brownie? http://tfl.nu/j241
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.

  (360): View more from Washington

  DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.

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  (360): Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid. (360): DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY. http://tfl.nu/38em
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  (212): View more from New York

  When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.

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  (212): When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too. http://tfl.nu/4mqk
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.

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  (832): I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship. http://tfl.nu/02yh
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?

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  (719): Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I? http://tfl.nu/9iuq
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.

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  (251): Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now. http://tfl.nu/uhhh
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.

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  (573): Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home. http://tfl.nu/anic
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.

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  (717): She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl. http://tfl.nu/9cei
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier

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  (616): Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier http://tfl.nu/md1b
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  (650): View more from California

  Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america

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  (650): Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america http://tfl.nu/igww
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...

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  (317): His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip... http://tfl.nu/pj0o
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  (718): View more from New York

  He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!

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  (718): He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!! http://tfl.nu/xa33
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  (425): View more from Washington

  What goes on in that head of yours?

  (206): View more from Washington

  Gay sex, for the most part. Why?

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  (425): What goes on in that head of yours? (206): Gay sex, for the most part. Why? http://tfl.nu/64li
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  (315): View more from New York

  Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?

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  (315): Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake? http://tfl.nu/vje4
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap

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  (630): 230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap http://tfl.nu/1j0c
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  (289): View more from Ontario

  If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.

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  (289): If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf. http://tfl.nu/kp2h
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.

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  (770): Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way. http://tfl.nu/age7
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.

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  (630): I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up. http://tfl.nu/oo6k
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.

  (1-503): View more from Oregon

  THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO

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  (503): That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal. (1-503): THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO http://tfl.nu/95vh
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.

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  (229): I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party. http://tfl.nu/127h
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  (406): View more from Montana

  He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.

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  (406): He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell. http://tfl.nu/7ioa
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?

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  (757): is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle? http://tfl.nu/66tk
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.

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  (843): You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in. http://tfl.nu/9ftp
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.

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  (734): he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur. http://tfl.nu/43r1
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.

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  (508): Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos. http://tfl.nu/qg1c
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I thought you were single?

  (1-262): View more from Wisconsin

  I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.

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  (262): I thought you were single? (1-262): I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick. http://tfl.nu/pt5v
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

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  (225): Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. http://tfl.nu/n4ph
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me

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  (780): You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me http://tfl.nu/3d09
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.

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  (314): he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it. http://tfl.nu/ukah
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.

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  (407): Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore. http://tfl.nu/4mr1
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night

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  (613): Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night http://tfl.nu/lkdl
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  (917): View more from New York City

  hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.

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  (917): hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog. http://tfl.nu/99w0
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people

  (763): View more from Minnesota

  and u failed math?

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  (651): 2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people (763): and u failed math? http://tfl.nu/331s
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.

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  (336): I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat. http://tfl.nu/ctm6
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  ??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.

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  (306): ??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas. http://tfl.nu/j6o2
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.

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  (303): The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble. http://tfl.nu/kaq2
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.

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  (803): Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class. http://tfl.nu/uw6v
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Lesbians are weird.

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  (208): She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk".... (615): Lesbians are weird. http://tfl.nu/wkyn
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  (214): View more from Texas

  And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy

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  (214): And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy http://tfl.nu/y3l1
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?

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  (513): One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that? http://tfl.nu/b48m
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!

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  (512): Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?! http://tfl.nu/k4mm
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow

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  (321): Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow http://tfl.nu/go53
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Come down off the roof.

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  (847): Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go. (314): Come down off the roof. http://tfl.nu/d3mp
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.

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  (901): She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid. http://tfl.nu/lor2
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  He was the only guy who ever made me cry..

  (1-330): View more from Ohio

  Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?

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  (330): He was the only guy who ever made me cry.. (1-330): Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach? http://tfl.nu/1khh
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus

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  (203): I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus http://tfl.nu/crym
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  (631): View more from New York

  im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night

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  (631): im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night http://tfl.nu/im54
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica

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  (540): I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica http://tfl.nu/lleg
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  (954): View more from Florida

  damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian

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  (954): damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian http://tfl.nu/u64e
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.

  (708): View more from Illinois

  Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.

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  (309): she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me. (708): Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you. http://tfl.nu/his2
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  (714): View more from California

  Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.

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  (714): Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends. http://tfl.nu/ft9d
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs

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  (217): his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs http://tfl.nu/kqhn
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents

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  (802): Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents http://tfl.nu/oucv
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  (415): View more from California

  my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked

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  (415): my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked http://tfl.nu/w9k0
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much

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  (509): Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much http://tfl.nu/alr8
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  (562): View more from California

  I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.

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  (562): I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness. http://tfl.nu/jxto
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  (607): View more from New York

  Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?

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  (607): Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates? http://tfl.nu/4l3k
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  (801): View more from Utah

  "Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.

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  (801): "Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much. http://tfl.nu/4lhq
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  (206): View more from Washington

  When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.

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  (206): When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later. http://tfl.nu/tpks
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.

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  (419): WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME. http://tfl.nu/mbtp
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.

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  (206): I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship. http://tfl.nu/s5mh
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange

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  (765): The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange http://tfl.nu/tkqz
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave

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  (973): Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave http://tfl.nu/h612
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  trapped on the roof of the strip club. help

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  (513): trapped on the roof of the strip club. help http://tfl.nu/oy6k
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw

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  (+61): Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw http://tfl.nu/i9kl
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...

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  (440): Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits... http://tfl.nu/u2u5
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?

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  (304): She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life? http://tfl.nu/58z3
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"

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  (919): I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle" http://tfl.nu/r7nr
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.

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  (651): You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out. http://tfl.nu/2o8m
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned

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  (336): Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned http://tfl.nu/hhst
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.

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  (740): My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often. http://tfl.nu/0pbg
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.

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  (515): This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity. http://tfl.nu/l9v1
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  (406): View more from Montana

  Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...

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  (406): Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms... http://tfl.nu/f4gr
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  (914): View more from New York

  I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.

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  (914): I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed. http://tfl.nu/j5xb
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  (805): View more from California

  Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.

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  (805): Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012. http://tfl.nu/u0sr
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.

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  (801): Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated. http://tfl.nu/dcl8
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth

  (1-870): View more from Arkansas

  I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come

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  (870): Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth (1-870): I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come http://tfl.nu/shj4
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.

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  (517): I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level. http://tfl.nu/jhvn
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you

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  (641): Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you http://tfl.nu/x1rz
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship

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  (214): I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship http://tfl.nu/dbjp
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much

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  (410): I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much http://tfl.nu/fm3j
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  (562): View more from California

  When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.

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  (562): When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid. http://tfl.nu/iodi
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"

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  (973): They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!" http://tfl.nu/oehu
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.

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  (403): They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again. http://tfl.nu/2yc4
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Stop drinking before 5

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Easier said than done

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  (651): Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies (612): Stop drinking before 5 (651): Easier said than done http://tfl.nu/j7cm
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?

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  (905): When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog? http://tfl.nu/u47g
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.

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  (312): That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison. http://tfl.nu/qs9j
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.

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  (517): Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet. http://tfl.nu/zmql
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days

  (1-308): View more from Nebraska

  Are you goin to rehab again?

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  (308): Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days (1-308): Are you goin to rehab again? http://tfl.nu/dce0
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  (914): View more from New York

  I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.

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  (914): I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now. http://tfl.nu/2zl0
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  (509): View more from Washington

  HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS

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  (509): HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS http://tfl.nu/4o5n
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.

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  (630): I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks. http://tfl.nu/bpzl
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.

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  (847): Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating. http://tfl.nu/al19
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  (425): View more from Washington

  It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.

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  (425): It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably. http://tfl.nu/2r5e
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  (209): View more from California

  His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.

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  (209): His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired. http://tfl.nu/zopw
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Lube is flammable

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Who is this??

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  (502): Lube is flammable (404): Who is this?? http://tfl.nu/y4u7
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun

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  (765): Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun http://tfl.nu/oe4f
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.

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  (724): She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail. http://tfl.nu/o810
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.

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  (512): I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas. http://tfl.nu/ufwf
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  (916): View more from California

  I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.

  (1-916): View more from California

  Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.

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  (916): I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat. (1-916): Can we laminate it? Just to be safe. http://tfl.nu/1wiq
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  (509): View more from Washington

  He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.

  (425): View more from Washington

  Is that even possible?

  (509): View more from Washington

  I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.

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  (509): He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me. (425): Is that even possible? (509): I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/y48j
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.

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  (703): I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face. http://tfl.nu/cgkz
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number

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  (908): Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number http://tfl.nu/xbwx
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?

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  (260): Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers? http://tfl.nu/8xa0
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?

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  (814): The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave? http://tfl.nu/sauc
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.

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  (479): I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober. http://tfl.nu/132v
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.

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  (610): I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now. http://tfl.nu/akfs
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?

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  (304): well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out? http://tfl.nu/ogsn
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.

  (1-318): View more from Louisiana

  Stop giving me tequila.

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  (318): After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do. (1-318): Stop giving me tequila. http://tfl.nu/y3ru
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.

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  (440): Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions. (440): The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America. http://tfl.nu/cnoq
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters

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  (918): please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters http://tfl.nu/gu1l
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.

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  (337): The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe. http://tfl.nu/7igq
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  (+65): View more from

  Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.

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  (+65): Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences. http://tfl.nu/3qzr
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  (310): View more from California

  I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.

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  (310): I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations. http://tfl.nu/td7t
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(

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  (757): Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :( http://tfl.nu/ztju
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.

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  (208): so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate. http://tfl.nu/25ho
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted

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  (401): remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted http://tfl.nu/rrq3
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.

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  (843): Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex. http://tfl.nu/rb17
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.

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  (570): Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question. http://tfl.nu/xjer
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico

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  (201): Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico http://tfl.nu/pgpo
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too

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  (623): Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too http://tfl.nu/3dvb
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  (512): View more from Texas

  ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband

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  (512): ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband http://tfl.nu/p8hd
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now

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  (920): Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now http://tfl.nu/chmx
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Hahaha. That's funny.

  (847): View more from Illinois

  But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship

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  (847): That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am (248): Hahaha. That's funny. (847): But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship http://tfl.nu/cr13
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors

  (1-775): View more from Nevada

  Fuck he won the bet

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  (775): He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors (1-775): Fuck he won the bet http://tfl.nu/9wz5
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  (916): View more from California

  No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.

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  (916): No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace. http://tfl.nu/5hw2
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously

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  (617): A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously http://tfl.nu/7jfj
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong

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  (512): Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong http://tfl.nu/wvqv
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.

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  (203): Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend. http://tfl.nu/ouub
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.

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  (778): Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house. http://tfl.nu/6cay
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  (518): View more from New York

  HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.

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  (518): HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR. http://tfl.nu/dsxu
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross

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  (616): She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross http://tfl.nu/ueo2
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  (530): View more from California

  I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.

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  (530): I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out. http://tfl.nu/bpyp
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language

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  (763): It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language http://tfl.nu/6vub
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?

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  (202): you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday? http://tfl.nu/psur
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  (530): View more from California

  Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection

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  (530): Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection http://tfl.nu/e8qx
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  (212): View more from New York

  Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??

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  (212): Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night?? http://tfl.nu/hu0z
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?

  (941): View more from Florida

  I was attacked by whores

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  You threw up on yourself again didn't you?

  (941): View more from Florida

  They were strong whores

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  (609): How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club? (941): I was attacked by whores (609): You threw up on yourself again didn't you? (941): They were strong whores http://tfl.nu/xoz8
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  (331): View more from Illinois

  DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME

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  (331): DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME http://tfl.nu/8t0w
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  (+33): View more from France

  So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?

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  (+33): So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts? http://tfl.nu/237o
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  (386): View more from Florida

  Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".

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  (386): Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant". http://tfl.nu/zn3b
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.

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  (614): Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it. http://tfl.nu/4lfe
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars

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  (307): We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars http://tfl.nu/sm85
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.

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  (517): Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door. http://tfl.nu/ryl2
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?

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  (248): Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship? http://tfl.nu/tepw
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  they paper machayed me.

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.

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  (484): they paper machayed me. (215): i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers. http://tfl.nu/kseh
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.

  (1-216): View more from Ohio

  Go her

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  (216): He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman. (1-216): Go her http://tfl.nu/p01p
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing

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  (778): It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing http://tfl.nu/h5t5
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?

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  (630): He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that? http://tfl.nu/r8k1
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  (805): View more from California

  we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend

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  (805): we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend http://tfl.nu/2gsx
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  (206): View more from Washington

  My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.

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  (206): My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help. http://tfl.nu/31aq
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.

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  (702): Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter. http://tfl.nu/2ees
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.

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  (440): While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from. http://tfl.nu/t77t
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.

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  (724): The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost. http://tfl.nu/1p7q
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar

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  (732): How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar http://tfl.nu/83wg
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.

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  (218): You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate. http://tfl.nu/a3k9
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think

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  (613): She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think http://tfl.nu/7fbd
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards

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  (301): so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards http://tfl.nu/20k7
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.

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  (615): I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/1nuc
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  (206): View more from Washington

  She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient

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  (206): She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient http://tfl.nu/4t82
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night

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  (919): So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night http://tfl.nu/rd80
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.

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  (503): I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend. http://tfl.nu/inq1
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"

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  (847): Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!" http://tfl.nu/mldx
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...

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  (604): he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink... http://tfl.nu/ok76
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  (716): View more from New York

  i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.

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  (716): i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents. http://tfl.nu/knds
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?

  (1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

  FUCK YOU MAN

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  (717): Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in? (1-717): FUCK YOU MAN http://tfl.nu/h049
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during

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  (515): She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during http://tfl.nu/5f1x
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."

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  (606): I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening." http://tfl.nu/f5c0
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.

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  (215): hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges. http://tfl.nu/xi1h
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.

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  (860): I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off. http://tfl.nu/qi2a
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?

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  (308): And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night? http://tfl.nu/df5d
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  (562): View more from California

  well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed

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  (562): well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed http://tfl.nu/ggi5
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  (607): View more from New York

  I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

  (315): View more from New York

  Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.

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  (607): I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! (315): Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch. http://tfl.nu/yk91
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.

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  (602): I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now. http://tfl.nu/tbsd
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  (718): View more from New York

  If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go

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  (718): If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go http://tfl.nu/k79y
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?

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  (615): When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend? http://tfl.nu/p92h
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  (916): View more from California

  WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!

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  (916): WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!! http://tfl.nu/wbdy
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  (315): View more from New York

  Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video

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  (315): Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video http://tfl.nu/4318
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show

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  (480): You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show http://tfl.nu/lsuc
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  You fucked her?! HER?!

  (1-205): View more from Alabama

  She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.

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  (205): You fucked her?! HER?! (1-205): She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir. http://tfl.nu/jld9
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.

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  (609): Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style. http://tfl.nu/0udf
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  (406): View more from Montana

  I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.

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  (406): I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth. http://tfl.nu/0auz
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.

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  (618): Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually. http://tfl.nu/s8ua
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.

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  (317): Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina. http://tfl.nu/mqdf
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.

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  (267): They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment. http://tfl.nu/jokz
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?

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  (306): Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out? http://tfl.nu/y1by
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow

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  (412): Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow http://tfl.nu/f59o
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts

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  (256): 2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts http://tfl.nu/zqnp
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.

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  (403): You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark. http://tfl.nu/dx9e
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels

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  (803): He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels http://tfl.nu/4za8
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.

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  (440): I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire. http://tfl.nu/vw34
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  (213): View more from California

  My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."

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  (213): My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie." http://tfl.nu/jevy
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  (206): View more from Washington

  i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.

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  (206): i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment. http://tfl.nu/5sgm
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  (941): View more from Florida

  Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married

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  (941): Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married http://tfl.nu/yr2i
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  (469): View more from Texas

  Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?

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  (469): Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened? http://tfl.nu/ksd8
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.

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  (623): It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too. http://tfl.nu/xu8j
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.

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  (609): and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier. http://tfl.nu/u9m6
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne

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  (904): Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne http://tfl.nu/4m6j
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  (348): View more from

  Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.

  (1-348): View more from

  You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.

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  (348): Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place. (1-348): You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion. http://tfl.nu/i2j4
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.

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  (609): I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt. http://tfl.nu/9dqv
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.

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  (318): She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking. http://tfl.nu/r9ow
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  (213): View more from California

  Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??

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  (213): Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast?? http://tfl.nu/wkuh
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  (714): View more from California

  im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.

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  (714): im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats. http://tfl.nu/387j
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  You went to jail last night?!

  (1-910): View more from North Carolina

  Just a little bit.

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  (910): You went to jail last night?! (1-910): Just a little bit. http://tfl.nu/exzq
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  (206): View more from Washington

  What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?

  (425): View more from Washington

  Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.

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  (206): What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again? (425): Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing. http://tfl.nu/l4cd
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.

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  (605): I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming. http://tfl.nu/djrq
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  (585): View more from New York

  And I feel bad.

  (716): View more from New York

  Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?

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  (585): And I feel bad. (716): Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft? http://tfl.nu/a3w7
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?

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  (+61): And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up? http://tfl.nu/g9ke
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  (714): View more from California

  I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.

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  (714): I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work. http://tfl.nu/rjuf
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.

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  (905): Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today. http://tfl.nu/u9so
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  (707): View more from California

  I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots

  (1-707): View more from California

  You did like 8

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  (707): I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots (1-707): You did like 8 http://tfl.nu/2yf9
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.

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  (917): Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up. http://tfl.nu/5qka
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  What do you wear to apply at a strip club?

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  (734): What do you wear to apply at a strip club? http://tfl.nu/ttz5
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...

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  (770): Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me... http://tfl.nu/5vx9
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.

  (1-815): View more from Illinois

  Best Friends For Life.

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  (815): You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub. (1-815): Best Friends For Life. http://tfl.nu/ev62
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  (425): View more from Washington

  He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that

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  (425): He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that http://tfl.nu/3z2y
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  (432): View more from Texas

  I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.

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  (432): I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line. http://tfl.nu/q8nl
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.

  (1-270): View more from Kentucky

  Now it's a party.

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  (270): A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face. (1-270): Now it's a party. http://tfl.nu/6390
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.

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  (484): i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen. http://tfl.nu/hdza
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  you found the shrooms didnt you

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  (484): how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time (215): you found the shrooms didnt you http://tfl.nu/rmts
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  (562): View more from California

  Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.

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  (562): Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester. http://tfl.nu/c099
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.

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  (301): He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis. http://tfl.nu/pct3
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  (425): View more from Washington

  One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.

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  (425): One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake. http://tfl.nu/mhbs
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.

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  (204): We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day. http://tfl.nu/b3rk
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.

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  (407): I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom. http://tfl.nu/s7cn
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.

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  (419): They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that. http://tfl.nu/gjrr
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?

  (+48): View more from Poland

  Poland

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  (+44): You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you? (+48): Poland http://tfl.nu/96rz
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  (+49): View more from Germany

  we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!

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  (+49): we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?! http://tfl.nu/7d9u
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?

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  (678): When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was? http://tfl.nu/rsyp
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."

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  (859): I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital." http://tfl.nu/3xux
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?

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  (314): hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay? http://tfl.nu/svsk
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  (310): View more from California

  I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.

  (1-310): View more from California

  Make one for john too.

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  (310): I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake. (1-310): Make one for john too. http://tfl.nu/lihh
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.

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  (919): I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping. http://tfl.nu/iyfp
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  (530): View more from California

  Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.

  (1-530): View more from California

  at least it wasnt animals

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  (530): Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences. (1-530): at least it wasnt animals http://tfl.nu/kq9s
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.

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  (407): Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer. http://tfl.nu/w1nq
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.

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  (256): Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again. http://tfl.nu/e17o
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  (626): View more from California

  Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?

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  (626): Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester? http://tfl.nu/lq06
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.

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  (248): No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut. http://tfl.nu/0bwj
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.

  (1-701): View more from North Dakota

  Jesus, are you hammered?

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.

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  (701): Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus. (1-701): Jesus, are you hammered? (701): Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws. http://tfl.nu/johl
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  (406): View more from Montana

  You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt

  (1-406): View more from Montana

  That literally makes no sense

  (406): View more from Montana

  Exactly

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  (406): You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt (1-406): That literally makes no sense (406): Exactly http://tfl.nu/db6l
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"

  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea

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  (907): Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed" (414): I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea http://tfl.nu/3884
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius

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  (973): Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius http://tfl.nu/trod
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING

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  (780): let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING http://tfl.nu/vf6d
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.

  (913): View more from Kansas

  1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me

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  (913): How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways. (913): 1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me http://tfl.nu/tb9a
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up

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  (570): Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up http://tfl.nu/9j2f
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.

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  (604): We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy. http://tfl.nu/wtyc
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  (+33): View more from France

  I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."

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  (+33): I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes." http://tfl.nu/b971
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.

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  (207): I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine.... (617): This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs. http://tfl.nu/5fub
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  (949): View more from California

  I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.

  (702): View more from Nevada

  It's like the whiskey god was watching over you

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  (949): I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id. (702): It's like the whiskey god was watching over you http://tfl.nu/wgp4
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.

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  (419): The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child. http://tfl.nu/ltf5
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito

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  (702): I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito http://tfl.nu/vmgk
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  (940): View more from Texas

  Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.

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  (940): Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book. http://tfl.nu/boxy
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...

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  (434): Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave... http://tfl.nu/1k20
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.

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  (570): They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier. http://tfl.nu/s3gh
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.

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  (641): You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid. http://tfl.nu/bnv7
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  (760): View more from California

  But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy

  (530): View more from California

  I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast

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  (760): But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy (530): I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast http://tfl.nu/lbbf
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato

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  (708): you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato http://tfl.nu/7tnq
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  (831): View more from California

  I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.

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  (831): I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT. http://tfl.nu/8xfg
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE

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  (828): NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE http://tfl.nu/lvmw
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP

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  (304): ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP http://tfl.nu/bbs8
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.

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  (702): I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century. http://tfl.nu/3h7h
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  tell her thanks so much

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  (570): I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences. (484): tell her thanks so much http://tfl.nu/mozf
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  (+34): View more from Spain

  You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.

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  (+34): You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer. http://tfl.nu/c0a5
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.

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  (757): So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real. http://tfl.nu/gd5o
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.

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  (512): Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick. http://tfl.nu/ysyl
  Replies (11) Good night (326) Bad night (2985)
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.

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  (402): On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever. http://tfl.nu/nvjj
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.

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  (724): Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest. http://tfl.nu/3pug
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.

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  (715): It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection. http://tfl.nu/qz8n
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  (415): View more from California

  She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.

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  (415): She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision. http://tfl.nu/yqhh
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  (561): View more from Florida

  Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake

  (1-561): View more from Florida

  Who the fuck is this

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  (561): Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake (1-561): Who the fuck is this http://tfl.nu/nqou
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang

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  (412): I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang http://tfl.nu/dtxk
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.

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  (678): I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/j7y2
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?

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  (978): The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up... (978): Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis? http://tfl.nu/mb06
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.

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  (928): I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone. http://tfl.nu/zx3z
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.

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  (570): Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least. http://tfl.nu/etpi
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.

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  (814): Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone. http://tfl.nu/n7df
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  (+90): View more from Turkey

  I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.

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  (+90): I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later. http://tfl.nu/oo4d
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.

  (703): View more from Virginia

  The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.

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  (703): The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night. (703): The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie. http://tfl.nu/hgcg
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.

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  (270): Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband. http://tfl.nu/lfj6
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  (212): View more from New York

  You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.

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  (212): You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne. http://tfl.nu/l5in
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year

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  (250): Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year http://tfl.nu/1qcg
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.

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  (615): You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it. http://tfl.nu/hvow
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  (619): View more from California

  I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.

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  (619): I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings. http://tfl.nu/ebym
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.

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  (773): in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already. http://tfl.nu/yc7m
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.

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  (+44): This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats. http://tfl.nu/c5o0
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  (863): View more from Florida

  I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.

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  (863): I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend. http://tfl.nu/1riw
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.

  (678): View more from Georgia

  THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

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  (770): you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why. (678): THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH. http://tfl.nu/cex4
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.

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  (952): So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious (781): Oh my god you need to get off of facebook. http://tfl.nu/ws52
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.

  (1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

  You almost married that.

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  (412): Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower. (1-412): You almost married that. http://tfl.nu/nlo1
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.

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  (770): One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood. http://tfl.nu/oyug
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.

  (816): View more from Missouri

  Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from

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  (913): The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero. (816): Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from http://tfl.nu/rsiz
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325

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  (910): Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly. (910): im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325 http://tfl.nu/vc15
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.

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  (281): Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his. (832): I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you. http://tfl.nu/5mgo
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.

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  (+44): We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies. http://tfl.nu/dl0c
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....

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  (231): My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness.... http://tfl.nu/k1tt
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?

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  (403): I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing? http://tfl.nu/frkv
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?

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  (318): So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt? http://tfl.nu/a1yi
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  (386): View more from Florida

  he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it

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  (386): he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it http://tfl.nu/bfv6
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.

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  (717): Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too. http://tfl.nu/67rw
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?

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  (780): Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem? http://tfl.nu/k3dz
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  (+33): View more from France

  We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?

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  (+33): We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be? http://tfl.nu/rs8r
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  (+45): View more from Denmark

  The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.

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  (+45): The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm. http://tfl.nu/ztnf
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  (+27): View more from South Africa

  She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."

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  (+27): She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga." http://tfl.nu/sbmz
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  (509): View more from Washington

  I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate

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  (509): I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate http://tfl.nu/14fu
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  (914): View more from New York

  We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.

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  (914): We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar. http://tfl.nu/5gv0
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."

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  (617): Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide." http://tfl.nu/7grl
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  (+27): View more from South Africa

  Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.

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  (+27): Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain. http://tfl.nu/mmkg
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  (530): View more from California

  it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam

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  (530): it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam http://tfl.nu/24cr
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~

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  (651): Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~ http://tfl.nu/6n7p
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.

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  (702): See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first. http://tfl.nu/1rv0
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.

  (770): View more from Georgia

  Dude. Do it.

  (678): View more from Georgia

  Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?

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  (678): So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out. (770): Dude. Do it. (678): Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober? http://tfl.nu/58ew
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance

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  (617): thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance http://tfl.nu/zdkv
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"

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  (508): Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!" http://tfl.nu/hrv9
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"

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  (617): hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?" http://tfl.nu/pq50
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  (727): View more from Florida

  well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.

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  (727): well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up. http://tfl.nu/6z0c
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  (512): View more from Texas

  By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you

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  (512): By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you http://tfl.nu/3p9a
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future

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  (+44): Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future http://tfl.nu/1p5t
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  (559): View more from California

  she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.

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  (559): she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer. http://tfl.nu/y0m8
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?

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  (724): My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's? http://tfl.nu/cp3t
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  (+66): View more from Thailand

  Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.

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  (+66): Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees. http://tfl.nu/3h4e
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.

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  (317): Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid. http://tfl.nu/n6yk
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.

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  (419): Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test. http://tfl.nu/jxmi
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime

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  (541): I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime http://tfl.nu/biqg
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card

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  (734): this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card http://tfl.nu/flh6
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.

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  (603): Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays. http://tfl.nu/na3q
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET

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  (613): Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET http://tfl.nu/m2li
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.

  (763): View more from Minnesota

  I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.

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  (763): Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up. (763): I just baked them cookies. We're friends now. http://tfl.nu/27t6
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.

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  (250): Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks. http://tfl.nu/2d3d
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  (713): View more from Texas

  We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.

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  (713): We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning. http://tfl.nu/f21r
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Marry him. Now.

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  (570): He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight. (1-570): Marry him. Now. http://tfl.nu/5wky
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?

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  (+44): let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions? http://tfl.nu/wlcv
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN

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  (978): Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN http://tfl.nu/dg4w
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  (+31): View more from The Netherlands

  I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.

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  (+31): I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates. http://tfl.nu/urqj
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.

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  (814): you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door. http://tfl.nu/6ofj
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  (984): View more from North Carolina

  i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.

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  (984): i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight. http://tfl.nu/cncx
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom

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  (509): Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom http://tfl.nu/fom9
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves

  (806): View more from Texas

  That's not technology. Doesn't count.

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  (702): The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves (806): That's not technology. Doesn't count. http://tfl.nu/x0wz
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  (210): View more from Texas

  im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!

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  (210): im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!! http://tfl.nu/zroi
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  (585): View more from New York

  we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night

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  (585): we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night http://tfl.nu/lrrw
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  (+32): View more from Belgium

  we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump

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  (+32): we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump http://tfl.nu/362x
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.

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  (740): I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever. http://tfl.nu/glym
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.

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  (302): Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom. http://tfl.nu/7x02
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?

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  (717): sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that? http://tfl.nu/vb27
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  (914): View more from New York

  If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.

  (914): View more from New York

  I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.

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  (914): If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded. (914): I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit. http://tfl.nu/hj4l
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying

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  (250): I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying http://tfl.nu/ewgt
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.

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  (540): my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened. http://tfl.nu/bhgb
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  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.

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  (580): So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep. http://tfl.nu/hhhj
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  (562): View more from California

  guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".

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  (562): guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing". http://tfl.nu/0ckl
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.

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  (412): There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever. http://tfl.nu/yvee
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  (941): View more from Florida

  I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.

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  (941): I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt. http://tfl.nu/lbvc
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.

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  (774): I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded. http://tfl.nu/9sgj
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower

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  (304): The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower http://tfl.nu/8cve
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  (+64): View more from New Zealand

  was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??

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  (+64): was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ?? http://tfl.nu/6vfo
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  (+64): View more from New Zealand

  He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!

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  (+64): He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?! http://tfl.nu/rdvw
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."

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  (623): Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN." http://tfl.nu/7rib
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  (562): View more from California

  as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.

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  (562): as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment. http://tfl.nu/n398
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  (949): View more from California

  Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.

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  (949): Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you. http://tfl.nu/q3ie
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat

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  (615): We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat http://tfl.nu/d487
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  (478): View more from Georgia

  You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable

  (318): View more from Louisiana

  You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.

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  (478): You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable (318): You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call. http://tfl.nu/575v
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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  (662): Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month. (662): Challenge accepted. See you in hell. http://tfl.nu/tj98
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.

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  (702): Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament. http://tfl.nu/k9l6
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you

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  (303): The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you http://tfl.nu/278m
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...

  (719): View more from Colorado

  LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..

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  (815): Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old... (719): LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though.. http://tfl.nu/fsbn
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Cats found the secret coke stash again

  (519): View more from Ontario

  They owe us $80.

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  (519): Cats found the secret coke stash again (519): They owe us $80. http://tfl.nu/rzq5
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.

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  (217): While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month. http://tfl.nu/gp1m
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.

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  (859): Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss. http://tfl.nu/wyge
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it

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  (618): And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it http://tfl.nu/zwsy
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  (347): View more from New York

  He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?

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  (347): He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family? http://tfl.nu/6x1g
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?

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  (514): OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea? http://tfl.nu/286d
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!

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  (541): I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed! http://tfl.nu/rzlj
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.

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  (817): Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday. http://tfl.nu/w47f
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?

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  (319): Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best? http://tfl.nu/g5yt
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.

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  (701): Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck. http://tfl.nu/exx8
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.

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  (205): I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter. http://tfl.nu/mhcf
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.

  (419): View more from Ohio

  ....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.

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  (937): I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before. (419): ....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return. http://tfl.nu/j7d7
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  (360): View more from Washington

  So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with

  (509): View more from Washington

  Isn't life beautiful?

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  (360): So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with (509): Isn't life beautiful? http://tfl.nu/f406
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.

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  (847): I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE (1-847): This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to. http://tfl.nu/xeyh
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  (626): View more from California

  Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...

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  (626): Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything... http://tfl.nu/rago
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.

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  (815): We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of. http://tfl.nu/md9p
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  (760): View more from California

  They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure

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  (760): They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure http://tfl.nu/8s7w
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake

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  (610): We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake http://tfl.nu/df0e
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"

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  (604): Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer," http://tfl.nu/po39
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  (646): View more from New York

  You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?

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  (646): You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std? http://tfl.nu/jhp0
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.

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  (715): During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me. http://tfl.nu/euwh
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?

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  (703): you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat? http://tfl.nu/6p3h
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  (360): View more from Washington

  There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.

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  (360): There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe. http://tfl.nu/9hec
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.

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  (913): Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well. http://tfl.nu/px83
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.

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  (320): In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen. http://tfl.nu/m4s0
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.

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  (828): I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea. http://tfl.nu/w8gt
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.

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  (+61): remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice. http://tfl.nu/vzpo
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.

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  (404): You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control. http://tfl.nu/g1ps
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  (518): View more from New York

  #1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE

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  (518): #1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE http://tfl.nu/txty
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here

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  (401): Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here http://tfl.nu/3omi
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.

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  (207): Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer. http://tfl.nu/w95z
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Guess what happened to me today at work?

  (1-734): View more from Michigan

  I have chlamydia. What happened.

  (734): View more from Michigan

  Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.

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  (734): Guess what happened to me today at work? (1-734): I have chlamydia. What happened. (734): Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second. http://tfl.nu/rf53
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.

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  (519): There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway. http://tfl.nu/ij44
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.

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  (623): He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying. http://tfl.nu/tx1i
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.

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  (812): Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing. http://tfl.nu/xrfi
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat

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  (717): Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat http://tfl.nu/dsa2
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background

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  (403): we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background http://tfl.nu/seul
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision

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  (702): Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision http://tfl.nu/1pgb
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.

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  (757): you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof. http://tfl.nu/pdha
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.

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  (201): We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate. http://tfl.nu/t4f1
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.

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  (715): So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room. http://tfl.nu/stph
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  (1954): View more from

  You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday

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  (1954): You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday http://tfl.nu/byqw
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  (310): View more from California

  Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.

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  (310): Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well. http://tfl.nu/39wu
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems

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  (519): she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems http://tfl.nu/ja9t
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  (432): View more from Texas

  I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?

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  (432): I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good? http://tfl.nu/n0mc
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.

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  (+61): We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away. http://tfl.nu/e1yg
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.

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  (502): I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high. http://tfl.nu/gsqh
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.

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  (303): Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear. http://tfl.nu/k7jc
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.

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  (307): Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids. http://tfl.nu/60tn
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.

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  (301): he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again. http://tfl.nu/vkbm
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  (+52): View more from Mexico

  she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.

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  (+52): she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico. http://tfl.nu/9tjl
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.

  (1-471): View more from

  That's all you talk about when you are wasted.

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  (417): So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history. (1-471): That's all you talk about when you are wasted. http://tfl.nu/3q4b
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  (914): View more from New York

  we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.

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  (914): we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant. http://tfl.nu/6asp
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.

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  (202): he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever. http://tfl.nu/t5e0
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  (469): View more from Texas

  Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.

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  (469): Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved. http://tfl.nu/jqlw
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.

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  (508): This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies." (401): I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are. http://tfl.nu/26v4
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  (713): View more from Texas

  onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.

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  (713): onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper. http://tfl.nu/3zpi
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  (806): View more from Texas

  No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.

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  (806): No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus. http://tfl.nu/4ptg
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?

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  (219): How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year? http://tfl.nu/u8i3
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.

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  (203): No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side. http://tfl.nu/0ask
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.

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  (412): I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent. http://tfl.nu/3146
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.

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  (541): She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning. http://tfl.nu/4pom
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.

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  (918): Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either. http://tfl.nu/yx3m
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  (408): View more from California

  He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!

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  (408): He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!! http://tfl.nu/u5h8
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch

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  (541): And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch http://tfl.nu/6s8v
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.

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  (608): We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth. http://tfl.nu/k58a
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.

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  (920): fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome. http://tfl.nu/la0v
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.

  (1-604): View more from British Columbia

  please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.

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  (604): i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper. (1-604): please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night. http://tfl.nu/j80d
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.

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  (320): What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off. http://tfl.nu/fj7u
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  (707): View more from California

  I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER

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  (707): I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER http://tfl.nu/38g6
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  (512): View more from Texas

  If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.

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  (512): If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok. http://tfl.nu/1awh
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  (845): View more from New York

  Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."

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  (845): Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches." http://tfl.nu/j5or
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.

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  (519): I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning. http://tfl.nu/ffy0
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  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.

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  (709): By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco. http://tfl.nu/8qs4
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus

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  (204): Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus http://tfl.nu/ux11
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  (681): View more from West Virginia

  Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.

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  (681): Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most. http://tfl.nu/7o83
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  (941): View more from Florida

  Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains

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  (941): Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains http://tfl.nu/tyep
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.

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  (508): So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test. http://tfl.nu/gxsj
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  (914): View more from New York

  I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza

  (917): View more from New York City

  The hookers weren't a dream get tested

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  (914): I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza (917): The hookers weren't a dream get tested http://tfl.nu/wjzv
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.

  (443): View more from Maryland

  YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?

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  (410): So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed. (443): YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT? http://tfl.nu/cgqa
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."

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  (201): A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore." http://tfl.nu/zlen
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more

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  (541): im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more http://tfl.nu/azy4
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.

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  (770): I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time. http://tfl.nu/k05m
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  (+82): View more from South Korea

  I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.

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  (+82): I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea. http://tfl.nu/vo0h
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.

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  (309): We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates. http://tfl.nu/cot7
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?

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  (970): Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right? http://tfl.nu/vtmk
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.

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  (604): As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck. http://tfl.nu/89l5
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand

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  (413): he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand http://tfl.nu/zcon
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  (206): View more from Washington

  So. She dumped me today.

  (425): View more from Washington

  Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".

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  (206): So. She dumped me today. (425): Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving". http://tfl.nu/4be4
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.

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  (810): my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities. http://tfl.nu/947a
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.

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  (519): He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier. http://tfl.nu/icz2
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  (310): View more from California

  Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?

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  (310): Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children? http://tfl.nu/23ha
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  (415): View more from California

  Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.

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  (415): Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited. http://tfl.nu/jdnb
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  (+33): View more from France

  I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.

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  (+33): I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again. http://tfl.nu/fepp
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  (760): View more from California

  She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.

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  (760): She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks. http://tfl.nu/z0r2
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  (760): View more from California

  I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?

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  (760): I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways? http://tfl.nu/qqdu
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.

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  (403): oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker. http://tfl.nu/xtlj
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.

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  (519): I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes. http://tfl.nu/j2g5
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.

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  (603): to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald. http://tfl.nu/pb1j
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  (206): View more from Washington

  he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents

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  (206): he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents http://tfl.nu/f104
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  (+27): View more from South Africa

  i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please

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  (+27): i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please http://tfl.nu/h9fq
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...

  (757): View more from Virginia

  I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out

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  (757): I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures... (757): I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out http://tfl.nu/xej3
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.

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  (860): I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS. http://tfl.nu/9u6p
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.

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  (774): Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist. http://tfl.nu/bzfc
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.

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  (765): A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins. http://tfl.nu/d999
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks

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  (260): U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks http://tfl.nu/ak2u
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.

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  (774): I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit. http://tfl.nu/t89l
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...

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  (702): I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris... http://tfl.nu/90iy
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.

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  (778): You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you. http://tfl.nu/kryn
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.

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  (515): He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend. http://tfl.nu/m6dn
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.

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  (210): Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move. http://tfl.nu/2sh4
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  (917): View more from New York City

  He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.

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  (917): He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman. http://tfl.nu/emjq
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.

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  (248): My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment. http://tfl.nu/qz9q
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea

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  (330): ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea http://tfl.nu/4yvx
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.

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  (303): His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed. http://tfl.nu/yv11
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.

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  (240): Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid. http://tfl.nu/9wdm
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  (845): View more from New York

  You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you

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  (845): You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you http://tfl.nu/77ha
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night

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  (410): that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night http://tfl.nu/xnkt
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.

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  (316): Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip. http://tfl.nu/doru
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?

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  (570): I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to? http://tfl.nu/dwjv
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.

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  (701): Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore. http://tfl.nu/9hf8
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  (818): View more from California

  Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

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  (818): Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place http://tfl.nu/xlhx
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...

  (1+44): View more from

  That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh

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  (+44): You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl... (1+44): That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh http://tfl.nu/agy9
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.

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  (501): There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at. http://tfl.nu/jo9n
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?

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  (859): she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery? http://tfl.nu/4aiq
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  (949): View more from California

  I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?

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  (949): I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night? http://tfl.nu/3tox
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.

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  (616): Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless. http://tfl.nu/4zx2
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?

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  (479): Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace? http://tfl.nu/xfzk
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from

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  (702): the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from http://tfl.nu/ac6d
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  (510): View more from California

  This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.

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  (510): This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland. http://tfl.nu/6qxu
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  (979): View more from Texas

  We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.

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  (979): We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing. http://tfl.nu/hvhg
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.

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  (817): Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24. http://tfl.nu/4goe
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?

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  (410): So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right? http://tfl.nu/zwo3
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  (458): View more from Oregon

  I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.

  (350): View more from

  You are my idol.

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  (458): I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation. (350): You are my idol. http://tfl.nu/xq85
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.

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  (307): I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA. http://tfl.nu/w3eq
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  (556): View more from

  Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard

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  (556): Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard http://tfl.nu/2l07
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas

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  (757): shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas http://tfl.nu/w87e
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???

  (1-919): View more from North Carolina

  Oh God.

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  (919): DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT??? (1-919): Oh God. http://tfl.nu/z02g
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  (772): View more from Florida

  how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?

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  (772): how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground? http://tfl.nu/issb
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  (619): View more from California

  Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.

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  (619): Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't. http://tfl.nu/8mv6
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy

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  (601): i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy http://tfl.nu/7bad
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids

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  (970): Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids http://tfl.nu/uov9
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.

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  (616): I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US (+44): Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange. http://tfl.nu/699w
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?

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  (248): Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door? http://tfl.nu/ayiv
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill

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  (313): Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill http://tfl.nu/vbjy
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....

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  (320): I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early .... http://tfl.nu/6r9w
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child

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  (207): Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child http://tfl.nu/qzf1
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I think the camel was justified in biting me.

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  (413): I think the camel was justified in biting me. http://tfl.nu/yr0l
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.

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  (+61): I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it. http://tfl.nu/00sg
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved

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  (+61): They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved http://tfl.nu/or7i
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  (727): View more from Florida

  You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?

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  (727): You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you? http://tfl.nu/l34c
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.

  (1-304): View more from West Virginia

  Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.

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  (304): I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us. (1-304): Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat? (304): No there was a goat. I gave it a donut. http://tfl.nu/bds8
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.

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  (208): if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that. http://tfl.nu/41po
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  (916): View more from California

  God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.

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  (916): God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines. http://tfl.nu/isnh
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?

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  (202): How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers? http://tfl.nu/rzz2
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY

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  (919): Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY http://tfl.nu/1b9m
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.

  (941): View more from Florida

  it was a krispy kreme

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  (609): wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut. (941): it was a krispy kreme http://tfl.nu/o743
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame

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  (724): i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame http://tfl.nu/h4cx
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  we need to find an occasion to wear tutus

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  (503): we need to find an occasion to wear tutus http://tfl.nu/4dk7
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.

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  (304): I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud. http://tfl.nu/1ldm
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  (+27): View more from South Africa

  He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.

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  (+27): He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy. http://tfl.nu/pi4j
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.

  (207): View more from Maine

  HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.

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  (785): MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped. (207): HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME. http://tfl.nu/4n05
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.

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  (734): Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out. http://tfl.nu/s89t
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  (850): View more from Florida

  No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....

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  (850): No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status..... http://tfl.nu/5hnt
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.

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  (708): There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit. http://tfl.nu/svzs
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.

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  (414): in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself. http://tfl.nu/j69f
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car

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  (250): Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car http://tfl.nu/u2fj
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  (707): View more from California

  And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa

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  (707): And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa http://tfl.nu/9onc
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.

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  (412): At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that. http://tfl.nu/pr0e
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  (530): View more from California

  Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine

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  (530): Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine http://tfl.nu/asqo
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.

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  (248): We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod. http://tfl.nu/ciwq
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.

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  (502): After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea. http://tfl.nu/ggoy
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.

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  (828): YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN. http://tfl.nu/nkzr
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  (585): View more from New York

  He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.

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  (585): He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working. http://tfl.nu/9caj
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.

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  (610): The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom. (484): I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you. http://tfl.nu/hypz
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  (254): View more from Texas

  I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.

  (254): View more from Texas

  He's majoring in Religion

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  (254): I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka. (254): He's majoring in Religion http://tfl.nu/gx54
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS

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  (416): DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS http://tfl.nu/59kb
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.

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  (608): he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually. http://tfl.nu/qiv4
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.

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  (204): Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water. http://tfl.nu/bq5w
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam

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  (702): Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam http://tfl.nu/lqc4
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D

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  (902): This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D http://tfl.nu/3txw
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust

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  (612): it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust http://tfl.nu/y8q4
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!

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  (+44): This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant! http://tfl.nu/ns2k
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.

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  (229): No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional. http://tfl.nu/bawb
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'

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  (614): I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table' http://tfl.nu/avs4
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult

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  (780): Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult http://tfl.nu/fk5u
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.

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  (519): I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here. http://tfl.nu/gd63
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter

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  (336): i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter http://tfl.nu/ntue
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?

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  (+61): I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above? http://tfl.nu/c1r4
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow

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  (908): almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow http://tfl.nu/cscz
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.

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  (412): It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult. http://tfl.nu/japr
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  (+27): View more from South Africa

  Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"

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  (+27): Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party" http://tfl.nu/3xpc
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.

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  (814): We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus. http://tfl.nu/cwxq
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  (801): View more from Utah

  I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.

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  (801): I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl. http://tfl.nu/k0v0
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?

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  (301): Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you? http://tfl.nu/njmw
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B

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  (303): I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B http://tfl.nu/0558
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls

  (702): View more from Nevada

  Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter

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  (775): Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls (702): Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter http://tfl.nu/jyvi
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?

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  (519): I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen? http://tfl.nu/tjza
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  (207): View more from Maine

  DRUNK CANOEING

  (804): View more from Virginia

  Please text me if you survive.

  (207): View more from Maine

  LAND HO BITCH

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  (207): DRUNK CANOEING (804): Please text me if you survive. (207): LAND HO BITCH http://tfl.nu/6y3l
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.

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  (770): Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers. http://tfl.nu/qvqu
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.

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  (519): I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus. http://tfl.nu/vafe
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes

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  (508): I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes http://tfl.nu/xrcl
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker

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  (210): I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker http://tfl.nu/tvqf
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds

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  (+61): He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds http://tfl.nu/yob4
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  (650): View more from California

  So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back

  (971): View more from Oregon

  You should go to counseling for that

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  (650): So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back (971): You should go to counseling for that http://tfl.nu/q4bf
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"

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  (248): On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers" http://tfl.nu/kmiv
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.

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  (702): whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag. http://tfl.nu/wos6
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.

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  (773): NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU. http://tfl.nu/h1az
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.

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  (216): There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us. http://tfl.nu/2y42
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.

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  (770): We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere. http://tfl.nu/s422
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  (909): View more from California

  Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.

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  (909): Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas. http://tfl.nu/i4ub
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.

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  (313): he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it. http://tfl.nu/c4xp
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!

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  (857): I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test! http://tfl.nu/oysi
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  (516): View more from New York

  I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card

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  (516): I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card http://tfl.nu/zhem
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles

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  (651): The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles http://tfl.nu/ulwd
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  (806): View more from Texas

  He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.

  (1-806): View more from Texas

  I feel like you never had a virginity..

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  (806): He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to. (1-806): I feel like you never had a virginity.. http://tfl.nu/77ey
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up

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  (404): You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up http://tfl.nu/mf69
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple

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  (423): I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple http://tfl.nu/2rws
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.

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  (214): Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman. http://tfl.nu/itkd
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  (801): View more from Utah

  If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...

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  (801): If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy... http://tfl.nu/s54g
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.

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  (513): He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit. http://tfl.nu/4hrv
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  Oh shit. There are penis maracas

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  (434): Oh shit. There are penis maracas http://tfl.nu/sti5
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months

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  (763): Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months http://tfl.nu/4w1o
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  (347): View more from New York

  asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.

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  (347): asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people. http://tfl.nu/r17b
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  (469): View more from Texas

  on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.

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  (469): on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers. http://tfl.nu/kub0
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  (289): View more from Ontario

  Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.

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  (289): Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger. http://tfl.nu/9mbe
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.

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  (618): You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel. http://tfl.nu/6eyp
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though

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  (708): we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though http://tfl.nu/249z
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.

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  (973): I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night. http://tfl.nu/b0w0
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.

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  (217): You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice. http://tfl.nu/09lg
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.

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  (702): We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend. http://tfl.nu/9xyn
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.

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  (847): 2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take. http://tfl.nu/jq3u
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  (713): View more from Texas

  Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.

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  (713): Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner. http://tfl.nu/89n9
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.

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  (+61): There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye. http://tfl.nu/nvha
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now

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  (313): Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now http://tfl.nu/t7qb
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.

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  (704): It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN. http://tfl.nu/euqx
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  (716): View more from New York

  she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper

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  (716): she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper http://tfl.nu/z4y6
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke

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  (740): we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke http://tfl.nu/7na0
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.

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  (440): yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything. http://tfl.nu/2obm
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  (406): View more from Montana

  I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.

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  (406): I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes. http://tfl.nu/2xtl
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"

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  (712): she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays" http://tfl.nu/bldx
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car

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  (573): This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car http://tfl.nu/p8ht
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?

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  (405): She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after? http://tfl.nu/ibkm
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  (239): View more from Florida

  dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.

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  (239): dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me. http://tfl.nu/b0dd
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  (716): View more from New York

  Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.

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  (716): Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests. http://tfl.nu/12h2
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?

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  (519): On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend? http://tfl.nu/abvl
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all

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  (250): After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all http://tfl.nu/42sy
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.

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  (519): Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it. http://tfl.nu/tzzv
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  (731): View more from Tennessee

  Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.

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  (731): Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us. http://tfl.nu/v50h
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  (530): View more from California

  When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.

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  (530): When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party. http://tfl.nu/3bf6
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love

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  (708): we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love http://tfl.nu/30hf
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.

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  (301): no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue. http://tfl.nu/bg75
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.

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  (410): They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless. http://tfl.nu/y6il
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married

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  (314): My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married http://tfl.nu/9bud
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  (940): View more from Texas

  Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd

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  (940): Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd http://tfl.nu/3aq9
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?

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  (+61): She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental? http://tfl.nu/sd8n
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'

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  (+44): I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.' http://tfl.nu/vhcz
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both

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  (919): I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both http://tfl.nu/fi30
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  (+31): View more from The Netherlands

  Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes

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  (+31): Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes http://tfl.nu/ymlt
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  (845): View more from New York

  Did you bedazzle the elevator?

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  (845): Did you bedazzle the elevator? http://tfl.nu/4rct
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  (562): View more from California

  Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.

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  (562): Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup. http://tfl.nu/ksxk
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.

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  (706): In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure. http://tfl.nu/bjg9
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....

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  (613): I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there.... http://tfl.nu/g27d
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50

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  (412): don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50 http://tfl.nu/kftz
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.

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  (505): They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties. http://tfl.nu/hv8c
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.

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  (256): Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO. http://tfl.nu/k62i
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.

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  (+44): If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse. http://tfl.nu/1ru8
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?

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  (614): How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville? http://tfl.nu/xd34
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  (863): View more from Florida

  I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.

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  (863): I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller. http://tfl.nu/jris
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  Thanks, mom.

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  (513): Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection! (1-513): Thanks, mom. http://tfl.nu/k49b
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.

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  (715): I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today. http://tfl.nu/aa1v
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.

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  (617): Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now. http://tfl.nu/a4db
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  (619): View more from California

  Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck

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  (619): Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck http://tfl.nu/s9r0
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  ttyl tear gas

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  (604): ttyl tear gas http://tfl.nu/bmdg
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.

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  (780): Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks. http://tfl.nu/2lc5
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  (407): View more from Florida

  There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!

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  (407): There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?! http://tfl.nu/z97b
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog

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  (973): i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog http://tfl.nu/1yan
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?

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  (973): I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today? http://tfl.nu/iuhq
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.

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  (573): You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad. http://tfl.nu/q4da
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.

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  (706): I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant. http://tfl.nu/0cvw
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  (310): View more from California

  I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.

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  (310): I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer. http://tfl.nu/s9s7
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding

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  (313): There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding http://tfl.nu/91sj
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.

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  (803): Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there. http://tfl.nu/xmpv
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.

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  (859): While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed. http://tfl.nu/3phj
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  (516): View more from New York

  i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD

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  (516): i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD http://tfl.nu/cfey
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  (716): View more from New York

  He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.

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  (716): He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him. http://tfl.nu/aojd
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it

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  (952): On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it http://tfl.nu/wltj
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.

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  (705): and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good. http://tfl.nu/bblv
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?

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  (847): HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT? http://tfl.nu/wczu
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?

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  (715): hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes? http://tfl.nu/o98x
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  (631): View more from New York

  these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.

  (631): View more from New York

  i got hit in the ear.

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  (631): these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby. (631): i got hit in the ear. http://tfl.nu/qr8z
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.

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  (205): He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero. http://tfl.nu/osga
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.

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  (317): You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour. http://tfl.nu/7a2s
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.

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  (405): I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed. http://tfl.nu/abj9
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan

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  (614): I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan http://tfl.nu/3du7
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."

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  (412): It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus." http://tfl.nu/ftkz
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator

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  (505): I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator http://tfl.nu/t25w
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  (903): View more from Texas

  I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...

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  (903): I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth... http://tfl.nu/u93t
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....

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  (517): Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school.... http://tfl.nu/i9vj
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".

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  (780): just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency". http://tfl.nu/5vs5
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age

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  (812): The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age http://tfl.nu/fek2
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.

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  (330): Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in. http://tfl.nu/l5u1
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend

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  (+61): I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend http://tfl.nu/q4ch
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.

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  (503): I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan. http://tfl.nu/4npq
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either

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  (902): He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either http://tfl.nu/fc5z
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.

  (1-202): View more from Washington, DC

  Thanks, mom.

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  (202): You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway. (1-202): Thanks, mom. http://tfl.nu/107n
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.

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  (416): I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for. http://tfl.nu/1pjy
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  (209): View more from California

  What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?

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  (209): What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons? http://tfl.nu/8u4p
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  (957): View more from

  I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.

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  (957): I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day. http://tfl.nu/42ia
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.

  (1-706): View more from Georgia

  Where the hell are you

  (706): View more from Georgia

  He's winning.

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  (706): I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon. (1-706): Where the hell are you (706): He's winning. http://tfl.nu/bx2u
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this

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  (601): It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this http://tfl.nu/qp1v
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.

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  (407): I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin. http://tfl.nu/suvt
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.

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  (618): This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money. http://tfl.nu/bov0
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  (619): View more from California

  The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?

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  (619): The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!? http://tfl.nu/uvtx
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen

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  (814): DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen http://tfl.nu/glfa
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence

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  (770): Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence http://tfl.nu/sug8
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  (561): View more from Florida

  The beers last night were like the tears from god

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  (561): The beers last night were like the tears from god http://tfl.nu/bni8
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.

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  (214): Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school. http://tfl.nu/ngpq
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  (380): View more from Ohio

  She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time

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  (380): She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time http://tfl.nu/cp8c
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  (409): View more from Texas

  The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.

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  (409): The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out. http://tfl.nu/ni31
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.

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  (920): That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake. http://tfl.nu/1ph6
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.

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  (907): My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic. http://tfl.nu/erca
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?

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  (352): Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours? http://tfl.nu/ajza
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?

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  (203): And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I? http://tfl.nu/nbwe
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  (845): View more from New York

  They were actually really boring considering how we met them.

  (1-845): View more from New York

  howd you meet them?

  (845): View more from New York

  They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.

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  (845): They were actually really boring considering how we met them. (1-845): howd you meet them? (845): They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs. http://tfl.nu/zyna
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  (661): View more from California

  fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.

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  (661): fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn. http://tfl.nu/6ro6
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside

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  (910): Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside http://tfl.nu/la7o
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.

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  (217): I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong. http://tfl.nu/7bl9
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  (650): View more from California

  That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.

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  (650): That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in. http://tfl.nu/qyvf
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.

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  (513): Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through. http://tfl.nu/9dxn
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza

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  (832): Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza http://tfl.nu/lbxf
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.

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  (651): saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort. http://tfl.nu/ekj0
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.

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  (+44): He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning. http://tfl.nu/9kly
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...

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  (702): He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried... http://tfl.nu/88kq
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.

  (248): View more from Michigan

  There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.

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  (248): Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby. (248): There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction. http://tfl.nu/82qp
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?

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  (647): he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird? http://tfl.nu/hpqu
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?

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  (416): Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it? http://tfl.nu/zi0h
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.

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  (920): Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit. http://tfl.nu/du3n
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.

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  (248): So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection. http://tfl.nu/x1ov
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.

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  (662): She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina. http://tfl.nu/uqet
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  (+49): View more from Germany

  Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.

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  (+49): Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom. http://tfl.nu/2s5g
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.

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  (219): They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves. http://tfl.nu/j0o7
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!

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  (515): I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME! http://tfl.nu/9v3y
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  (806): View more from Texas

  Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that

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  (806): Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that http://tfl.nu/ovs4
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  (512): View more from Texas

  all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me

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  (512): all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me http://tfl.nu/xqib
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride

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  (702): Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride http://tfl.nu/xs6r
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  (949): View more from California

  Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.

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  (949): Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices. http://tfl.nu/flw8
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  (351): View more from Massachusetts

  the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.

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  (351): the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me. http://tfl.nu/s3y3
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim

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  (702): Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim http://tfl.nu/n7dg
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  (516): View more from New York

  Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment

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  (516): Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment http://tfl.nu/52np
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.

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  (702): It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B. http://tfl.nu/uw83
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.

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  (702): I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat. http://tfl.nu/7ors
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  (+31): View more from The Netherlands

  The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'

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  (+31): The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?' http://tfl.nu/vspz
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  (940): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.

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  (940): I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too. http://tfl.nu/vi8f
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.

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  (973): He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird. http://tfl.nu/n9dq
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish

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  (727): I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish http://tfl.nu/fk29
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  (949): View more from California

  My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit

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  (949): My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit http://tfl.nu/1azl
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.

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  (816): It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out. http://tfl.nu/oebq
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.

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  (602): Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world. http://tfl.nu/6f3f
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  (727): View more from Florida

  Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.

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  (727): Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago. http://tfl.nu/0eob
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.

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  (810): We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock. http://tfl.nu/wrss
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"

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  (623): You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!" http://tfl.nu/z3ws
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?

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  (702): Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre? http://tfl.nu/1jmm
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend

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  (775): she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend http://tfl.nu/wdj0
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.

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  (832): My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over. http://tfl.nu/z5ao
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country

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  (210): Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country http://tfl.nu/te1e
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...

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  (803): There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together... http://tfl.nu/sic1
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.

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  (715): Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam. http://tfl.nu/fk8j
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.

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  (270): My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted. http://tfl.nu/nzx6
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.

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  (636): I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together. http://tfl.nu/hsqn
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.

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  (443): He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits. http://tfl.nu/bqj0
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday

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  (320): Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday http://tfl.nu/a582
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  (819): View more from Quebec

  I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.

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  (819): I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened. http://tfl.nu/vyw7
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes

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  (586): Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes http://tfl.nu/g7it
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.

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  (732): I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid. http://tfl.nu/5186
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.

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  (504): You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw. http://tfl.nu/90j8
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  (916): View more from California

  when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.

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  (916): when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas. http://tfl.nu/o5tw
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..

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  (616): i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent.. http://tfl.nu/zm5m
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.

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  (918): The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals. http://tfl.nu/o5rq
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa

  (708): View more from Illinois

  Oh Jesus.

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  (219): Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa (708): Oh Jesus. http://tfl.nu/7sg2
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable

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  (901): Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable http://tfl.nu/jd9a
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Maybe I should forgo underwear.

  (314): View more from Missouri

  This is a family BBQ no?

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  (214): Maybe I should forgo underwear. (314): This is a family BBQ no? http://tfl.nu/2i6y
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.

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  (701): so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick. http://tfl.nu/5ub0
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...

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  (705): just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer... http://tfl.nu/qk4d
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.

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  (702): Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home. http://tfl.nu/nbuo
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.

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  (701): It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server. http://tfl.nu/p1uj
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  which one looks the most like her?

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  (704): help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up (919): which one looks the most like her? http://tfl.nu/a8tn
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".

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  (732): hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals". http://tfl.nu/oep3
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever

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  (773): oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever http://tfl.nu/1ydb
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.

  (1-205): View more from Alabama

  Is it working?

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  (205): I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless. (1-205): Is it working? http://tfl.nu/ozk1
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher

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  (401): She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher http://tfl.nu/uenp
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.

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  (757): I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love. http://tfl.nu/nlvg
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy

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  (973): That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy http://tfl.nu/xazq
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  (406): View more from Montana

  She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??

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  (406): She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads?? http://tfl.nu/sqt6
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?

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  (847): I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt? http://tfl.nu/o3a9
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  (661): View more from California

  1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.

  (1-661): View more from California

  1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up

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  (661): 1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place. (1-661): 1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up http://tfl.nu/wu9m
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.

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  (204): For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video. http://tfl.nu/6mdy
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  (716): View more from New York

  i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls

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  (716): i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls http://tfl.nu/crru
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes

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  (208): No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes http://tfl.nu/t8pf
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion

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  (617): i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion http://tfl.nu/4vyu
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.

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  (812): Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life. http://tfl.nu/sryf
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night

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  (612): Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night http://tfl.nu/h77m
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.

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  (989): ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore. http://tfl.nu/xzjn
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  (253): View more from Washington

  I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.

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  (253): I just did a sobriety test in a tutu. http://tfl.nu/m861
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.

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  (610): Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card. http://tfl.nu/uepf
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"

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  (402): when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case" http://tfl.nu/zxvf
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem

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  (610): I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem http://tfl.nu/q0gs
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.

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  (314): Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen. http://tfl.nu/614c
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.

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  (870): I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car. http://tfl.nu/7djn
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.

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  (+44): ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret. http://tfl.nu/fyhz
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you

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  (503): He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you http://tfl.nu/gy7n
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'

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  (501): She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!' http://tfl.nu/emq3
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD

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  (404): I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD http://tfl.nu/5vxn
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?

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  (413): Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him? http://tfl.nu/47cq
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''

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  (608): all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!'' http://tfl.nu/g7vx
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  (209): View more from California

  You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant

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  (209): You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant http://tfl.nu/dw7g
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.

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  (617): I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent. http://tfl.nu/742m
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  (212): View more from New York

  Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.

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  (212): Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom. http://tfl.nu/fuov
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big

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  (401): votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big http://tfl.nu/248r
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...

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  (623): He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking... http://tfl.nu/bdfz
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.

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  (973): composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals. http://tfl.nu/kw2o
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  (281): View more from Texas

  She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out

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  (281): She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out http://tfl.nu/guh4
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!

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  (425): Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue! http://tfl.nu/4b94
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.

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  (513): it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out. http://tfl.nu/ydh3
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  (607): View more from New York

  The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?

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  (607): The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her? http://tfl.nu/qpjw
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.

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  (208): Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids. http://tfl.nu/l7h3
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  (406): View more from Montana

  You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.

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  (406): You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it. http://tfl.nu/4hyg
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was

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  (401): All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was http://tfl.nu/3k0k
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  (914): View more from New York

  Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.

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  (914): Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen. http://tfl.nu/bjsq
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  (904): View more from Florida

  I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.

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  (904): I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch. http://tfl.nu/opx0
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....

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  (931): Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me.... http://tfl.nu/xfhz
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country

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  (603): went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country http://tfl.nu/gkag
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7

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  (617): On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7 http://tfl.nu/lyiq
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.

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  (304): as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now. http://tfl.nu/olha
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta

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  (814): She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta http://tfl.nu/cr5h
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  (917): View more from New York City

  No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.

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  (917): No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice. http://tfl.nu/ioca
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  (310): View more from California

  You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected

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  (310): You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected http://tfl.nu/stz5
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.

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  (206): Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year. http://tfl.nu/cw7s
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.

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  (605): Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever. http://tfl.nu/1cen
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  (585): View more from New York

  that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag

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  (585): that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag http://tfl.nu/7pz9
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead

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  (502): Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead http://tfl.nu/4b2b
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.

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  (321): We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you. http://tfl.nu/1l5x
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad

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  (210): Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad http://tfl.nu/hc4q
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.

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  (713): I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume. http://tfl.nu/yxor
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  (805): View more from California

  Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?

  (805): View more from California

  and why are they spooning a flamingo?

  (714): View more from California

  they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.

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  (805): Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor? (805): and why are they spooning a flamingo? (714): they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice. http://tfl.nu/n0m3
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us

  (847): View more from Illinois

  You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.

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  (630): At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us (847): You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high. http://tfl.nu/59an
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.

  (1-970): View more from Colorado

  Soup is delicious

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  (970): I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup. (1-970): Soup is delicious http://tfl.nu/y0l8
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be

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  (704): Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be http://tfl.nu/xbn0
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.

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  (302): I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays. http://tfl.nu/ol44
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday

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  (419): I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday http://tfl.nu/dtfw
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.

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  (404): Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it. http://tfl.nu/dkcw
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate

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  (512): I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate http://tfl.nu/79c0
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  (760): View more from California

  It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.

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  (760): It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major. http://tfl.nu/zd3s
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed

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  (217): We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed http://tfl.nu/j4f4
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  (806): View more from Texas

  He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out

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  (806): He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out http://tfl.nu/voyg
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major

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  (480): Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major http://tfl.nu/g5od
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.

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  (443): Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar. http://tfl.nu/j1fg
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday

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  (573): Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday http://tfl.nu/t4vj
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again

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  (708): if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again http://tfl.nu/p1ce
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.

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  (810): I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here. http://tfl.nu/wy8z
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today

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  (605): You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today http://tfl.nu/jljr
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

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  (262): He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage" http://tfl.nu/fr69
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  (914): View more from New York

  hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early

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  (914): hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early http://tfl.nu/k8sh
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.

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  (662): they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments. http://tfl.nu/u5vp
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  (818): View more from California

  I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project

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  (818): I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project http://tfl.nu/g4w5
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.

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  (203): Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor. http://tfl.nu/o6bb
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.

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  (484): the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished. http://tfl.nu/p2b9
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  (831): View more from California

  Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.

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  (831): Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot. http://tfl.nu/f3j9
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives

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  (816): They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives http://tfl.nu/kcvk
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?

  (312): View more from Illinois

  I get to be your mom.

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  (847): Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth? (312): I get to be your mom. http://tfl.nu/nmh7
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.

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  (609): I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens. http://tfl.nu/uou3
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.

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  (440): My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made. http://tfl.nu/g5vb
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  (731): View more from Tennessee

  What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?

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  (731): What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry? http://tfl.nu/iiar
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies

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  (906): Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies http://tfl.nu/62p5
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener

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  (647): she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener http://tfl.nu/wmbx
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.

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  (443): There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you. http://tfl.nu/nqul
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone

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  (216): he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone http://tfl.nu/anp6
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.

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  (317): Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom. http://tfl.nu/x6uc
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.

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  (815): im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again. http://tfl.nu/iwek
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.

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  (812): I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice. http://tfl.nu/sig2
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?

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  (905): I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree? http://tfl.nu/z9hw
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  (650): View more from California

  guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?

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  (650): guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina? http://tfl.nu/cd8y
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  (207): View more from Maine

  He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.

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  (207): He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time. http://tfl.nu/24re
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing

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  (317): So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing http://tfl.nu/lzer
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame

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  (989): He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame http://tfl.nu/n7tj
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.

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  (703): I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin. http://tfl.nu/zjl9
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  (415): View more from California

  just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.

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  (415): just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover. http://tfl.nu/scdy
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.

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  (513): I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake. http://tfl.nu/fip9
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud

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  (719): passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud http://tfl.nu/qo9v
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?

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  (317): Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text? http://tfl.nu/5hnv
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.

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  (309): they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy. http://tfl.nu/yj0s
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted

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  (303): My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted http://tfl.nu/ipi0
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.

  (623): View more from Arizona

  and by single i mean slutty

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  (623): just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single. (623): and by single i mean slutty http://tfl.nu/aczn
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.

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  (859): In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing. http://tfl.nu/n1s5
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  (575): View more from New Mexico

  not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.

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  (575): not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame. http://tfl.nu/c14x
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.

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  (240): When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again. http://tfl.nu/1y07
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  (607): View more from New York

  Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?

  (607): View more from New York

  Nevermind, it's in the dryer.

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  (607): Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head? (607): Nevermind, it's in the dryer. http://tfl.nu/r8jx
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.

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  (215): we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me. http://tfl.nu/nfi8
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.

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  (402): I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed. http://tfl.nu/gx4g
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  (360): View more from Washington

  True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?

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  (360): True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not? http://tfl.nu/5au2
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him

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  (724): yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him http://tfl.nu/kgpr
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  (915): View more from Texas

  Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.

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  (915): Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me. http://tfl.nu/qov1
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.

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  (712): Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS. http://tfl.nu/utzb
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........

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  (207): Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010"......... http://tfl.nu/3k58
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  (239): View more from Florida

  I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...

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  (239): I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday... http://tfl.nu/23uc
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.

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  (970): found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night. http://tfl.nu/fgij
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.

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  (504): Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high. http://tfl.nu/srpn
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.

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  (757): Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful. http://tfl.nu/da1d
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  (972): View more from Texas

  he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.

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  (972): he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever. http://tfl.nu/boyq
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I am both scared and jealous.

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  (610): Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption. (201): I am both scared and jealous. http://tfl.nu/hrb8
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  (716): View more from New York

  my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?

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  (716): my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in? http://tfl.nu/3561
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.

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  (334): He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees. http://tfl.nu/sgqa
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?

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  (407): Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives? http://tfl.nu/s936
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.

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  (954): Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish. http://tfl.nu/zg18
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  (727): View more from Florida

  its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics

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  (727): its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics http://tfl.nu/k6wq
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  he quoted the bible to break up with me

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  (570): he quoted the bible to break up with me http://tfl.nu/7gni
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.

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  (404): FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall. http://tfl.nu/m2zy
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.

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  (678): Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that. http://tfl.nu/i43f
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.

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  (540): She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic. http://tfl.nu/cwdw
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!

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  (732): He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love! http://tfl.nu/kaje
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.

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  (505): My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help. http://tfl.nu/hde2
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.

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  (248): We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment. http://tfl.nu/088o
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.

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  (613): We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed. http://tfl.nu/xcuo
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  (530): View more from California

  Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.

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  (530): Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying. http://tfl.nu/488f
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...

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  (484): slut bingo starts in ten minutes ... http://tfl.nu/yeun
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  (801): View more from Utah

  He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.

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  (801): He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me. http://tfl.nu/9uhs
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  (561): View more from Florida

  They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.

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  (561): They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment. http://tfl.nu/ozel
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.

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  (602): I am NOT getting arrested in a wig. http://tfl.nu/5nul
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.

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  (802): i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11. http://tfl.nu/k8vl
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.

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  (920): just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch. http://tfl.nu/t841
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"

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  (763): I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?" http://tfl.nu/jpwl
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.

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  (517): Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning. http://tfl.nu/hea7
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes

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  (702): Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes http://tfl.nu/n4pv
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.

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  (617): Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns. http://tfl.nu/g37i
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice

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  (608): im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice http://tfl.nu/dly6
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....

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  (770): his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me.... http://tfl.nu/rsl7
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.

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  (503): i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday. http://tfl.nu/ygu9
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  (438): View more from Quebec

  My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.

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  (438): My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much. http://tfl.nu/ekca
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.

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  (504): So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back. http://tfl.nu/rbde
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  they just started filling water ballons with vodka.

  (1-702): View more from Nevada

  on my way.

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  (702): they just started filling water ballons with vodka. (1-702): on my way. http://tfl.nu/jo3z
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I just found a bag of teeth...

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  (917): I just found a bag of teeth... http://tfl.nu/rg4d
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.

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  (620): He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper. http://tfl.nu/7tli
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  (415): View more from California

  When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

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  (415): When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping" http://tfl.nu/vogg
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  (727): View more from Florida

  did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?

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  (727): did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again? http://tfl.nu/o7ua
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??

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  (405): This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine?? http://tfl.nu/98s1
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading

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  (480): I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading http://tfl.nu/eqt2
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has

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  (519): She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has http://tfl.nu/fgce
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  (805): View more from California

  I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed

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  (805): I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed http://tfl.nu/07h0
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.

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  (563): Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks. http://tfl.nu/j9ui
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?

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  (702): Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on? http://tfl.nu/7zfe
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.

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  (702): we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey. http://tfl.nu/4jcm
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  he tried to breastfeed my turtle

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  (864): he tried to breastfeed my turtle http://tfl.nu/mp5f
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.

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  (732): You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you. http://tfl.nu/wi1w
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.

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  (505): I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time. http://tfl.nu/7aud
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  (415): View more from California

  He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.

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  (415): He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her. http://tfl.nu/kc95
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.

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  (417): Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there. http://tfl.nu/jea6
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?

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  (618): I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day? http://tfl.nu/kj71
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  (713): View more from Texas

  Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.

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  (713): Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome. http://tfl.nu/qq5z
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  (979): View more from Texas

  his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.

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  (979): his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible. http://tfl.nu/lobz
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  (310): View more from California

  Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs

  (310): View more from California

  Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?

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  (310): Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs (310): Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor? http://tfl.nu/gbsd
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  (845): View more from New York

  you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away

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  (845): you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away http://tfl.nu/uj7c
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..

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  (601): Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store.. http://tfl.nu/p81s
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  (315): View more from New York

  Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.

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  (315): Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes. http://tfl.nu/lvfu
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.

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  (419): I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud. http://tfl.nu/pl89
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.

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  (443): THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT. http://tfl.nu/04d2
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.

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  (778): We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay. http://tfl.nu/xs17
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  (949): View more from California

  I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever

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  (949): I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever http://tfl.nu/w0x8
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.

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  (617): Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened. http://tfl.nu/s0za
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  (917): View more from New York City

  i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.

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  (917): i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping. http://tfl.nu/d7ey
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...

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  (704): You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that... http://tfl.nu/s4gm
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.

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  (902): hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help. http://tfl.nu/mkef
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt

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  (412): Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt http://tfl.nu/ilc7
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.

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  (612): We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win. http://tfl.nu/kq33
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"

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  (804): she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart" http://tfl.nu/96tn
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?

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  (540): My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project? http://tfl.nu/mcoi
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.

  (1-405): View more from Oklahoma

  well now I have to

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  (405): I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home. (1-405): well now I have to http://tfl.nu/4hfb
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights

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  (812): woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights http://tfl.nu/5oxk
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing

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  (443): this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing http://tfl.nu/c7lz
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  (310): View more from California

  Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.

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  (310): Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up. http://tfl.nu/lp2z
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...

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  (443): told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet... http://tfl.nu/9yno
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.

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  (720): and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook. http://tfl.nu/6m40
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita

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  (570): I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita http://tfl.nu/65sn
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  (650): View more from California

  Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp

  (1-650): View more from California

  i loe djcudia fjxos rue.

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  (650): Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp (1-650): i loe djcudia fjxos rue. http://tfl.nu/pfpy
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  (406): View more from Montana

  i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.

  (1-406): View more from Montana

  haha i know

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  (406): i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt. (1-406): haha i know http://tfl.nu/vo1w
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine

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  (+44): The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine http://tfl.nu/6flp
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.

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  (817): I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy. http://tfl.nu/amvl
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.

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  (978): Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you. http://tfl.nu/jevr
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale

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  (337): There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale http://tfl.nu/27tf
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.

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  (270): he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment. http://tfl.nu/tur1
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.

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  (857): You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks. http://tfl.nu/io5n
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  (207): View more from Maine

  He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.

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  (207): He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job. http://tfl.nu/muvn
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?

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  (513): Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket? http://tfl.nu/gja3
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong

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  (203): i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong http://tfl.nu/c7ef
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  (714): View more from California

  we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet

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  (714): we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet http://tfl.nu/qhid
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  (562): View more from California

  at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.

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  (562): at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all. http://tfl.nu/8vyn
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.

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  (715): I will also be strapping forties to the puppies. http://tfl.nu/upgh
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.

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  (417): There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy. http://tfl.nu/lepd
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.

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  (513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real. http://tfl.nu/3nu3
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  (253): View more from Washington

  sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...

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  (253): sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident... http://tfl.nu/dmae
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  (239): View more from Florida

  so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.

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  (239): so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are. http://tfl.nu/bpgx
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE

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  (614): Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE http://tfl.nu/myo8
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  (845): View more from New York

  When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"

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  (845): When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine" http://tfl.nu/u1m0
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.

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  (732): thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal. http://tfl.nu/c0z7
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  (214): View more from Texas

  um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.

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  (214): um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid. http://tfl.nu/gcwj
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister

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  (973): I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister http://tfl.nu/i2jt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine

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  (314): Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine http://tfl.nu/lktn
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.

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  (860): It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life. http://tfl.nu/wu6z
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  then he tried to convert me to islam

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  (203): then he tried to convert me to islam http://tfl.nu/h9gq
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"

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  (701): I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?" http://tfl.nu/cr38
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.

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  (204): Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY. http://tfl.nu/elym
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  (817): View more from Texas

  He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round

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  (817): He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round http://tfl.nu/7y9k
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  (805): View more from California

  Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke

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  (805): Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke http://tfl.nu/mqiv
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.

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  (203): Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/7e62
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.

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  (206): Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit. http://tfl.nu/8fs8
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all

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  (618): Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all http://tfl.nu/t0uz
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding

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  (603): When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding http://tfl.nu/lhu6
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.

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  (732): Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million. http://tfl.nu/4jbr
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar

  (219): View more from Indiana

  I need you to use more vowels.

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  (812): gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar (219): I need you to use more vowels. http://tfl.nu/cjfw
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.

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  (402): if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you. http://tfl.nu/a1uo
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.

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  (250): He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS. http://tfl.nu/xkr3
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  (941): View more from Florida

  Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.

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  (941): Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us. http://tfl.nu/wjn1
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.

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  (954): Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it. http://tfl.nu/slzd
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  (315): View more from New York

  I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.

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  (315): I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions. http://tfl.nu/ogn1
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.

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  (503): Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement. http://tfl.nu/wyat
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  (333): View more from

  im calling her cock vulture from now on

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  (333): im calling her cock vulture from now on http://tfl.nu/4dmx
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  (760): View more from California

  If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone

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  (760): If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone http://tfl.nu/69r6
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...

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  (970): Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it... http://tfl.nu/w07g
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  (510): View more from California

  no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.

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  (510): no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her. http://tfl.nu/kcyk
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  (+27): View more from South Africa

  we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end

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  (+27): we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end http://tfl.nu/vfas
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?

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  (832): Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions? http://tfl.nu/z9u9
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  (575): View more from New Mexico

  If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong

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  (575): If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong http://tfl.nu/8y01
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..

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  (410): And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love.. http://tfl.nu/9pu8
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.

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  (215): he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out. http://tfl.nu/9ic8
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...

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  (402): Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being... http://tfl.nu/xmjx
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously

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  (314): great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously http://tfl.nu/gl7l
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?

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  (803): Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass? http://tfl.nu/vxrr
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?

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  (313): The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week? http://tfl.nu/bve2
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  (214): View more from Texas

  What do you think it is?

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.

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  (214): What do you think it is? (615): It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow. http://tfl.nu/3ng4
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  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.

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  (709): Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you. http://tfl.nu/s4f8
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me

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  (260): I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me http://tfl.nu/3lh5
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  (951): View more from California

  It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.

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  (951): It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle. http://tfl.nu/s5be
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  (458): View more from Oregon

  Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.

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  (458): Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh. http://tfl.nu/m88d
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out

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  (859): I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out http://tfl.nu/qumr
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology

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  (339): So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology http://tfl.nu/2zvz
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  (707): View more from California

  Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.

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  (707): Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car. http://tfl.nu/kt4h
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?

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  (815): Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer? http://tfl.nu/917w
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...

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  (330): I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai... http://tfl.nu/9xr9
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.

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  (+44): Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying. http://tfl.nu/fnbb
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.

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  (337): Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times. http://tfl.nu/ao6t
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities

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  (603): I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities http://tfl.nu/wabu
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn

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  (970): It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn http://tfl.nu/hfv3
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.

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  (401): She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal. http://tfl.nu/0f54
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.

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  (618): This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape. http://tfl.nu/eyxg
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.

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  (602): Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress. http://tfl.nu/xjnu
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  (850): View more from Florida

  The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.

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  (850): The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight. http://tfl.nu/6ch9
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  (+31): View more from The Netherlands

  bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.

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  (+31): bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left. http://tfl.nu/sy8j
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day

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  (605): My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day http://tfl.nu/e7q8
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  (212): View more from New York

  1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.

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  (212): 1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square. http://tfl.nu/c9pr
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.

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  (859): I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin. http://tfl.nu/i4o4
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...

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  (902): we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids... http://tfl.nu/udrg
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.

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  (202): I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request. http://tfl.nu/ivj5
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.

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  (+44): He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester. http://tfl.nu/ggyj
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.

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  (503): Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook. http://tfl.nu/p6bz
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...

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  (978): you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool... http://tfl.nu/os9w
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)

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  (610): We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus) http://tfl.nu/tr80
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.

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  (678): I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out. http://tfl.nu/nryy
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  (915): View more from Texas

  Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.

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  (915): Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding. http://tfl.nu/j8kt
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.

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  (708): Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person. http://tfl.nu/v0my
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??

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  (250): WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT?? http://tfl.nu/ty5z
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP

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  (828): Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP http://tfl.nu/p7o6
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  (458): View more from Oregon

  I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.

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  (458): I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me. http://tfl.nu/ja3o
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  (409): View more from Texas

  Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.

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  (409): Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me. http://tfl.nu/r0oo
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  (801): View more from Utah

  This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.

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  (801): This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me. http://tfl.nu/7tsq
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.

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  (250): I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown. http://tfl.nu/tv3d
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice

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  (240): He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice http://tfl.nu/qhk7
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.

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  (250): I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete. http://tfl.nu/p0ju
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.

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  (215): the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign. http://tfl.nu/j53c
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.

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  (517): Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever. http://tfl.nu/mubr
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.

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  (248): Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police. http://tfl.nu/zopt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.

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  (513): Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything. http://tfl.nu/e1ys
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.

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  (603): I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad. http://tfl.nu/5dfv
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  (818): View more from California

  The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.

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  (818): The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again. http://tfl.nu/z8ef
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks

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  (610): dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks http://tfl.nu/8rbl
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers

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  (225): She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers http://tfl.nu/m8b0
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  (209): View more from California

  you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...

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  (209): you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom... http://tfl.nu/nw55
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.

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  (417): Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever. http://tfl.nu/md7w
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.

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  (240): i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark. http://tfl.nu/ophf
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'

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  (306): I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes' http://tfl.nu/oxkp
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.

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  (410): Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP. http://tfl.nu/xvnv
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge

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  (514): maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge http://tfl.nu/8cfm
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."

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  (734): We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing." http://tfl.nu/cqut
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.

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  (919): I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight. http://tfl.nu/fd4p
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  (212): View more from New York

  it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating

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  (212): it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating http://tfl.nu/p848
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.

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  (+44): I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life. http://tfl.nu/bbi7
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.

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  (617): She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her. http://tfl.nu/sdzd
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.

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  (816): Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me. http://tfl.nu/4boe
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?

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  (647): Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen? http://tfl.nu/shhx
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.

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  (978): I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far. http://tfl.nu/izah
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked

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  (774): just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked http://tfl.nu/dcyr
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  we need ur ladder

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  (612): He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume (612): we need ur ladder http://tfl.nu/n9qh
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.

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  (615): you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this. http://tfl.nu/3l9v
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend

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  (309): They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend http://tfl.nu/32kc
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend

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  (217): The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend http://tfl.nu/q6fw
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  (951): View more from California

  I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.

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  (951): I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here. http://tfl.nu/bc0s
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.

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  (907): I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex. http://tfl.nu/ckwf
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.

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  (217): haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it. http://tfl.nu/2m8n
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  (+65): View more from

  No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.

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  (+65): No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car. http://tfl.nu/46mc
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  (858): View more from California

  Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts

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  (858): Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts http://tfl.nu/npv2
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl

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  (662): The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl http://tfl.nu/s3lv
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?

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  (519): Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator? http://tfl.nu/y95u
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.

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  (201): Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied. http://tfl.nu/g4t4
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well

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  (401): do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well http://tfl.nu/8t7l
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times

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  (508): If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times http://tfl.nu/rglo
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...

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  (970): No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand... http://tfl.nu/1d8q
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  (206): View more from Washington

  ..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"

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  (206): ..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance" http://tfl.nu/51ez
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car

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  (330): what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car http://tfl.nu/8812
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them

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  (630): But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them http://tfl.nu/vxlz
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  (+25): View more from

  We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?

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  (+25): We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them? http://tfl.nu/7ecx
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.

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  (605): You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex. http://tfl.nu/lyw2
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add

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  (608): Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add http://tfl.nu/yo24
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library

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  (203): shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library http://tfl.nu/bbu0
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  (916): View more from California

  You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.

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  (916): You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest. http://tfl.nu/46jw
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.

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  (205): She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school. http://tfl.nu/upz2
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.

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  (802): I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me. http://tfl.nu/p69o
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.

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  (816): And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog. http://tfl.nu/zv3p
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"

  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I think you may want to look into that...

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  (519): someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement" (403): I think you may want to look into that... http://tfl.nu/qglv
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...

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  (404): Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february... http://tfl.nu/39i3
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people

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  (401): My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people http://tfl.nu/xhvq
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.

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  (724): Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them. http://tfl.nu/a4j7
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.

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  (301): I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door. (215): Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go. http://tfl.nu/76is
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.

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  (781): I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it. http://tfl.nu/04ep
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.

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  (814): He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake. http://tfl.nu/fpto
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  (914): View more from New York

  I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list

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  (914): I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list http://tfl.nu/bjw0
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  (406): View more from Montana

  He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...

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  (406): He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well... http://tfl.nu/dwtt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression

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  (+44): You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression http://tfl.nu/vpko
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Is it working?

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  (810): Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ? (828): Is it working? http://tfl.nu/tjek
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  (512): View more from Texas

  $5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.

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  (512): $5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am. http://tfl.nu/bt4r
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.

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  (605): and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno. http://tfl.nu/gxse
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?

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  (412): in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila? http://tfl.nu/e4mt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days

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  (412): Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days http://tfl.nu/6wcx
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy

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  (307): We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy http://tfl.nu/folr
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.

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  (519): Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club. http://tfl.nu/af62
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  (+45): View more from Denmark

  You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?

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  (+45): You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right? http://tfl.nu/cwve
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  (631): View more from New York

  I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me

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  (631): I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me http://tfl.nu/qlti
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  (831): View more from California

  So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.

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  (831): So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that. http://tfl.nu/tpz4
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".

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  (603): Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight". http://tfl.nu/suji
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...

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  (804): I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working... http://tfl.nu/tuy1
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.

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  (720): I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me. http://tfl.nu/g7lo
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.

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  (416): He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex. http://tfl.nu/exbo
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings

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  (905): I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings http://tfl.nu/jatg
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.

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  (613): Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs. http://tfl.nu/sez7
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  (305): View more from Florida

  I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.

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  (305): I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him. http://tfl.nu/a6jy
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore

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  (860): in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore http://tfl.nu/eivb
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  (+45): View more from Denmark

  Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.

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  (+45): Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired. http://tfl.nu/rbaa
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?

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  (330): Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her? http://tfl.nu/1j07
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?

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  (240): Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders? http://tfl.nu/9s8f
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  ... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.

  (314): View more from Missouri

  I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.

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  (816): ... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night. (314): I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it. http://tfl.nu/jfox
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden

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  (770): How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden http://tfl.nu/1f55
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  (408): View more from California

  4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.

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  (408): 4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen. http://tfl.nu/v3bi
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  (806): View more from Texas

  I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.

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  (806): I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister. http://tfl.nu/4jvf
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas

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  (801): Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas http://tfl.nu/kcjf
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay

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  (512): Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay http://tfl.nu/t4tt
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  (916): View more from California

  craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?

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  (916): craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in? http://tfl.nu/76bu
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944

  (720): View more from Colorado

  and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate

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  (720): i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944 (720): and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate http://tfl.nu/x2vg
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk

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  (617): it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk http://tfl.nu/xjgo
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?

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  (603): should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format? http://tfl.nu/bwcb
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  (559): View more from California

  I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper

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  (559): I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper http://tfl.nu/pzfa
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.

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  (319): Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now. http://tfl.nu/g0lg
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.

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  (314): In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk. http://tfl.nu/6bmy
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.

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  (425): Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years. http://tfl.nu/f3i9
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Dude, its January.

  (970): View more from Colorado

  We're going to do the voices too.

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  (970): We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots. (303): Dude, its January. (970): We're going to do the voices too. http://tfl.nu/k3gb
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  (619): View more from California

  Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.

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  (619): Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out. http://tfl.nu/o96t
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  (407): View more from Florida

  i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point

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  (407): i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point http://tfl.nu/9yf5
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs

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  (773): I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs http://tfl.nu/g3cl
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis

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  (828): Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis http://tfl.nu/fz5v
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.

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  (717): do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important. http://tfl.nu/a970
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  (206): View more from Washington

  My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town

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  (206): My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town http://tfl.nu/phfq
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  (716): View more from New York

  He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.

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  (716): He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies. http://tfl.nu/v70e
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone

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  (303): she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone http://tfl.nu/1ml1
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural

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  (630): Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural http://tfl.nu/4h5e
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".

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  (702): Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes". http://tfl.nu/tjre
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.

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  (610): At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch. http://tfl.nu/wzxh
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.

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  (336): Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other. http://tfl.nu/ei4k
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight

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  (615): I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight http://tfl.nu/tvrj
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.

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  (816): and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore. http://tfl.nu/dnny
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.

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  (402): I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted. http://tfl.nu/yox0
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.

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  (443): The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that. http://tfl.nu/d0ly
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".

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  (815): I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock". http://tfl.nu/fz13
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.

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  (319): My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home. http://tfl.nu/nin0
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.

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  (719): No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor. http://tfl.nu/gx10
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.

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  (902): I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence. http://tfl.nu/pvbz
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.

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  (262): We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool. http://tfl.nu/01zv
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.

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  (321): I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it. http://tfl.nu/0ggm
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight

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  (412): I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight http://tfl.nu/88wf
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?

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  (724): This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class? http://tfl.nu/x3em
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?

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  (614): She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper? http://tfl.nu/v6av
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.

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  (708): Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think. http://tfl.nu/wg4r
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.

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  (812): He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/zftg
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend

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  (636): i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend http://tfl.nu/jil2
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.

  (1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.

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  (403): Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night. (1-403): I am now curious as to how you would have aimed. http://tfl.nu/wkgz
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.

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  (513): I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is. http://tfl.nu/nela
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.

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  (952): I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me. http://tfl.nu/xnge
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate

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  (937): Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate http://tfl.nu/e0yr
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door

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  (309): Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door http://tfl.nu/czgy
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.

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  (651): She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations. http://tfl.nu/80vt
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.

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  (859): I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt. http://tfl.nu/2lr3
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.

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  (304): it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast. http://tfl.nu/xssi
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea

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  (928): note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea http://tfl.nu/nwiv
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.

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  (803): Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical. http://tfl.nu/xb5u
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.

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  (913): You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were. http://tfl.nu/duqk
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.

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  (828): you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life. http://tfl.nu/zm5g
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you

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  (215): i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you http://tfl.nu/4yxe
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?

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  (602): Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again? http://tfl.nu/01x5
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.

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  (603): Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case. http://tfl.nu/luz6
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.

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  (860): Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried. http://tfl.nu/p6ag
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  (214): View more from Texas

  No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.

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  (214): No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds. http://tfl.nu/2lul
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend

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  (412): she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend http://tfl.nu/4xq5
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.

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  (508): After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well. http://tfl.nu/5wox
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.

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  (770): At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it. http://tfl.nu/bg9a
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.

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  (724): look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means. http://tfl.nu/mq55
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor

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  (812): For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor http://tfl.nu/nslr
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  (914): View more from New York

  im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj

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  (914): im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj http://tfl.nu/kgi8
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  (845): View more from New York

  Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"

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  (845): Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person" http://tfl.nu/45pt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"

  (1-410): View more from Maryland

  How come I never meet celebrities?

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  (410): Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield" (1-410): How come I never meet celebrities? http://tfl.nu/j09q
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.

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  (732): I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time. http://tfl.nu/5sl5
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  (094): View more from

  After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.

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  (094): After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while. http://tfl.nu/x4in
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  (807): View more from Ontario

  at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.

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  (807): at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket. http://tfl.nu/odip
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.

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  (330): the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom. http://tfl.nu/2arl
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?

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  (630): Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding? http://tfl.nu/gie6
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  (516): View more from New York

  you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.

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  (516): you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito. http://tfl.nu/qluq
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  (310): View more from California

  He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna

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  (310): He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna http://tfl.nu/tldl
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  It is literally 8 in the morning.

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  (402): NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!! (1-402): It is literally 8 in the morning. http://tfl.nu/koue
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.

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  (732): That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS. http://tfl.nu/7vfy
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral

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  (410): it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral http://tfl.nu/q6za
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him

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  (703): Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him http://tfl.nu/ek6e
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.

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  (780): She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever. http://tfl.nu/i189
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.

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  (702): And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now. http://tfl.nu/so7u
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it

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  (330): beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it http://tfl.nu/hhxp
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america

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  (616): Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america http://tfl.nu/zong
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months

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  (919): I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months http://tfl.nu/8o8f
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  (310): View more from California

  I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.

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  (310): I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in. http://tfl.nu/n54h
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family

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  (410): She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family http://tfl.nu/p7y1
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.

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  (604): the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking. http://tfl.nu/g0q9
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.

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  (360): I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back. http://tfl.nu/kpg0
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.

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  (907): We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke. http://tfl.nu/z4fd
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  You coming home soon, man?

  (1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  HENBARSCLOSE

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  (902): You coming home soon, man? (1-902): HENBARSCLOSE http://tfl.nu/z787
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  (707): View more from California

  You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.

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  (707): You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are. http://tfl.nu/sbxa
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.

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  (770): There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry. http://tfl.nu/klio
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  (850): View more from Florida

  We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.

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  (850): We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival. http://tfl.nu/h8q9
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.

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  (519): you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner. http://tfl.nu/pwti
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  (619): View more from California

  My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.

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  (619): My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can. http://tfl.nu/8tit
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out

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  (502): we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out http://tfl.nu/ipng
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  (904): View more from Florida

  I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs

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  (904): I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs http://tfl.nu/az3o
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake

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  (317): Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake http://tfl.nu/x5vz
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.

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  (647): Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral. http://tfl.nu/3rm8
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"

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  (937): they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America" http://tfl.nu/sewn
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.

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  (503): we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food. http://tfl.nu/i6sw
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  (424): View more from California

  he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety

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  (424): he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety http://tfl.nu/36fw
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.

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  (843): GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head. http://tfl.nu/4n4o
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?

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  (606): can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid? http://tfl.nu/7vpt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...

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  (314): I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college... http://tfl.nu/a15y
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love

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  (773): We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love http://tfl.nu/dxz2
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.

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  (407): I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist. http://tfl.nu/erea
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.

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  (414): Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that. http://tfl.nu/4zb9
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.

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  (778): I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT. http://tfl.nu/jn8b
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  (805): View more from California

  Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy

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  (805): Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy http://tfl.nu/e3vy
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.

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  (910): He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work. http://tfl.nu/wbkv
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  (979): View more from Texas

  She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.

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  (979): She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today. http://tfl.nu/i2c6
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  (214): View more from Texas

  More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings

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  (214): More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings http://tfl.nu/n37n
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..

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  (704): She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number.. http://tfl.nu/ftuv
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?

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  (404): we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition? http://tfl.nu/nsp8
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.

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  (512): Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie. http://tfl.nu/3ijz
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.

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  (734): He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon. http://tfl.nu/88sk
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.

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  (502): I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all. http://tfl.nu/o1tr
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.

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  (407): Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night. http://tfl.nu/ytoh
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave

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  (314): i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave http://tfl.nu/l2ny
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.

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  (905): Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should. http://tfl.nu/b27t
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended

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  (763): After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended http://tfl.nu/x97c
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly

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  (412): My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly http://tfl.nu/ipod
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?

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  (404): Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night? http://tfl.nu/t0ro
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.

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  (262): Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears. http://tfl.nu/gqzu
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice

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  (443): we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice http://tfl.nu/hzcq
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.

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  (480): I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name. http://tfl.nu/lmy8
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.

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  (705): All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail. http://tfl.nu/tpxz
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.

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  (215): he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon. http://tfl.nu/6d9i
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out

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  (970): went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out http://tfl.nu/unz9
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display

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  (541): So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display http://tfl.nu/m1ar
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.

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  (937): i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage. http://tfl.nu/bqw6
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...

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  (215): It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away... http://tfl.nu/zf28
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  (626): View more from California

  We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.

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  (626): We stole a cat. That is all you need to know. http://tfl.nu/xol0
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.

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  (402): She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking. http://tfl.nu/91x5
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"

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  (317): Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call" http://tfl.nu/v8oa
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.

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  (702): Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily. http://tfl.nu/1vv1
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".

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  (920): You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby". http://tfl.nu/mh0h
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.

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  (618): She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover. http://tfl.nu/cpec
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty

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  (970): Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty http://tfl.nu/gq3b
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  (817): View more from Texas

  In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.

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  (817): In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles. http://tfl.nu/ov1n
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

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  (517): we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic. http://tfl.nu/tadi
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.

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  (781): My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays. http://tfl.nu/1wl2
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.

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  (570): you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you. http://tfl.nu/anwq
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.

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  (413): she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her. http://tfl.nu/r8ko
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell

  (816): View more from Missouri

  please tell me you are kidding me

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  (913): i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell (816): please tell me you are kidding me http://tfl.nu/zfgp
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.

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  (217): I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister. http://tfl.nu/65yp
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  (562): View more from California

  youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.

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  (562): youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period. http://tfl.nu/nfk9
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  (361): View more from Texas

  I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.

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  (361): I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off. http://tfl.nu/sc97
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.

  (1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.

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  (215): I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done. (1-215): I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together. http://tfl.nu/q0m2
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.

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  (404): Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA. http://tfl.nu/z3qk
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.

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  (978): i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies. http://tfl.nu/qg5x
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now

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  (785): Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now http://tfl.nu/nbd3
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.

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  (336): They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays. http://tfl.nu/wrv2
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  (894): View more from

  just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit

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  (894): just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit http://tfl.nu/2422
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  (951): View more from California

  At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?

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  (951): At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate? http://tfl.nu/y4sj
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.

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  (847): you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after. http://tfl.nu/68kq
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  (562): View more from California

  she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend

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  (562): she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend http://tfl.nu/ejvb
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.

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  (520): He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep. http://tfl.nu/tjlf
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.

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  (215): I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked. http://tfl.nu/a12i
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party

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  (423): just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party http://tfl.nu/zlvv
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.

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  (928): She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry. http://tfl.nu/gi6e
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.

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  (815): He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already. http://tfl.nu/j86y
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.

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  (541): Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid. http://tfl.nu/2ym3
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.

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  (610): I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse. http://tfl.nu/qk0b
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  (+86): View more from China

  Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.

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  (+86): Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported. http://tfl.nu/uoj6
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.

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  (215): I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns. http://tfl.nu/6hbs
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever

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  (814): Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever http://tfl.nu/615b
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  (650): View more from California

  OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.

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  (650): OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS. http://tfl.nu/26xz
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one

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  (812): ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one http://tfl.nu/2d1e
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.

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  (201): Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom. http://tfl.nu/isil
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.

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  (615): They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this. http://tfl.nu/rcac
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  OMG THAT WAS YOU?!

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  (207): Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building. (603): OMG THAT WAS YOU?! http://tfl.nu/kd7y
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.

  (1-316): View more from Kansas

  Yeah I'm going to bathe him.

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  (316): I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong. (1-316): Yeah I'm going to bathe him. http://tfl.nu/s84m
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion

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  (201): On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion http://tfl.nu/9p9w
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.

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  (601): I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha. http://tfl.nu/8fn5
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.

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  (724): An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god. http://tfl.nu/gzqy
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.

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  (832): Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella. http://tfl.nu/o5ml
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  (845): View more from New York

  weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize

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  (845): weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize http://tfl.nu/jvbl
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.

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  (405): You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's. http://tfl.nu/922r
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.

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  (321): We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck. http://tfl.nu/5f0o
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump

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  (256): she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump http://tfl.nu/on8v
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?

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  (+44): Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill? http://tfl.nu/844o
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts

  (1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Am I supposed to find that romantic?

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  (412): I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts (1-412): Am I supposed to find that romantic? http://tfl.nu/carb
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  (283): View more from Ohio

  she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.

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  (283): she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love. http://tfl.nu/fwj8
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  (516): View more from New York

  There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face

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  (516): There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face http://tfl.nu/9y4h
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  You could give me a blowjob later? :)

  (1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I meant do something romantic..

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Blowjob In the moonlight?

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  (321): You could give me a blowjob later? :) (1-321): I meant do something romantic.. (321): Blowjob In the moonlight? http://tfl.nu/na1u
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?

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  (615): If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen? http://tfl.nu/ze7l
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  (214): View more from Texas

  she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm

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  (214): she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm http://tfl.nu/qx0o
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Salt in an open wound right now.

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  (301): I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job. (704): How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore? (301): Salt in an open wound right now. http://tfl.nu/m9a1
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers

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  (586): She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers http://tfl.nu/r5er
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.

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  (404): I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway. http://tfl.nu/geao
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.

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  (901): My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary. http://tfl.nu/r2s3
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  (650): View more from California

  You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...

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  (650): You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom... http://tfl.nu/m3m8
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze

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  (402): Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze http://tfl.nu/3a8k
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children

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  (303): My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children http://tfl.nu/bm0p
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  (714): View more from California

  no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you

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  (714): no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you http://tfl.nu/e8y7
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?

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  (662): Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened? http://tfl.nu/nd5l
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  (516): View more from New York

  Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me

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  (516): Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me http://tfl.nu/nv09
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  (254): View more from Texas

  oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick

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  (254): oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick http://tfl.nu/vqpx
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.

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  (321): Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class. http://tfl.nu/1es6
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday

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  (307): Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday http://tfl.nu/9dt4
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla

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  (201): dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla http://tfl.nu/0yq4
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand

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  (202): I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand http://tfl.nu/1ole
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street

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  (724): the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street http://tfl.nu/sbee
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal

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  (706): saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal http://tfl.nu/ml27
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.

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  (541): You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night. http://tfl.nu/2m2y
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  (206): View more from Washington

  No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.

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  (206): No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher. http://tfl.nu/9rva
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.

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  (702): Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent. http://tfl.nu/4is5
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  (407): View more from Florida

  And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.

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  (407): And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword. http://tfl.nu/gcmk
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  My grandma had to be escorted out by police.

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  (765): My grandma had to be escorted out by police. http://tfl.nu/ipgw
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  (805): View more from California

  Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"

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  (805): Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever" http://tfl.nu/wsl5
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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  (330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down http://tfl.nu/yeuq
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels

  (1-603): View more from New Hampshire

  Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know

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  (603): Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels (1-603) Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know http://tfl.nu/7nn4
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  (587): View more from Alberta

  His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?

  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?

  (587): View more from Alberta

  She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.

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  (587): His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl? (780): You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus? (587): She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass. http://tfl.nu/i4m5
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11

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  (207): Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night..... (617): I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11 http://tfl.nu/wa6u
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  (281): View more from Texas

  ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)

  (214): View more from Texas

  Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.

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  (281): ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one) (214): Your grandmother is in heaven weeping. http://tfl.nu/odlj
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.

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  (412): he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor. http://tfl.nu/z7yu
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.

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  (314): the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier. http://tfl.nu/vyfv
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.

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  (847): This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword. http://tfl.nu/au8n
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.

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  (605): You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home. http://tfl.nu/7njn
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian

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  (503): Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian http://tfl.nu/9eu3
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  (408): View more from California

  Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise

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  (408): Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise http://tfl.nu/iazs
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.

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  (978): So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website. http://tfl.nu/9e82
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?

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  (801): Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch? http://tfl.nu/p8up
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.

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  (210): I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast. http://tfl.nu/qvgk
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America

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  (330): I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America http://tfl.nu/nfrq
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  (801): View more from Utah

  we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious

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  (801): we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious http://tfl.nu/ejqb
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.

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  (614): she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie. http://tfl.nu/xhiw
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  (585): View more from New York

  Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello

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  (585): Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello http://tfl.nu/squi
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.

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  (205): i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail. http://tfl.nu/mxx0
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it

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  (519): he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it http://tfl.nu/rdxn
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club

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  (732): It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club http://tfl.nu/j8mx
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.

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  (508): Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you. http://tfl.nu/gxjs
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  (+66): View more from Thailand

  A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure

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  (+66): A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure http://tfl.nu/u013
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.

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  (832): Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is. http://tfl.nu/odjy
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  (253): View more from Washington

  The pine trees are waving at me.

  (907): View more from Alaska

  Put the pipe down honey.

  (253): View more from Washington

  Hi trees.

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  (253): The pine trees are waving at me. (907): Put the pipe down honey. (253): Hi trees. http://tfl.nu/6b23
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.

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  (218): If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting. http://tfl.nu/wbx1
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.

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  (773): You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker. http://tfl.nu/r3lm
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  (956): View more from Texas

  Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."

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  (956): Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..." http://tfl.nu/geex
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.

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  (801): Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon. http://tfl.nu/ouiw
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.

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  (907): I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized. http://tfl.nu/0yaa
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.

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  (216): ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time. http://tfl.nu/5061
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.

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  (724): About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore. http://tfl.nu/twc0
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!

  (1-859): View more from Kentucky

  please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"

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  (859): I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes! (1-859): please elaborate on, "atleast one ear" http://tfl.nu/8j2w
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.

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  (425): Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older. http://tfl.nu/u48g
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story

  (307): View more from Wyoming

  The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.

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  (307): The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story (307): The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant. http://tfl.nu/nooi
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...

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  (757): she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them... http://tfl.nu/ior4
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?

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  (412): You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy? http://tfl.nu/p3a3
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.

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  (908): Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral. http://tfl.nu/35ny
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.

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  (918): I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk. http://tfl.nu/1tot
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.

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  (440): As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season. http://tfl.nu/uyun
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well

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  (812): Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well http://tfl.nu/2njp
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name

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  (303): so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name http://tfl.nu/x1lq
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  (516): View more from New York

  Found your pants in the mailbox

  (646): View more from New York

  What were my pants doing in the mailbox?

  (516): View more from New York

  I don't know but there's postage on them

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  (516): Found your pants in the mailbox (646): What were my pants doing in the mailbox? (516): I don't know but there's postage on them http://tfl.nu/6yt8
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."

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  (412): Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes." http://tfl.nu/8fia
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.

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  (216): 6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever. http://tfl.nu/zd97
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.

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  (904): Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up. http://tfl.nu/3e3n
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  (661): View more from California

  Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.

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  (661): Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple. http://tfl.nu/553h
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?

  (1-740): View more from Ohio

  2.5

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  (740): How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement? (1-740): 2.5 http://tfl.nu/yjjp
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  (818): View more from California

  i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...

  (805): View more from California

  i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"

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  (818): i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday... (805): i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it" http://tfl.nu/3fjc
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours

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  (240): last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours http://tfl.nu/1nv0
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  (518): View more from New York

  September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location

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  (518): September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location http://tfl.nu/jdkq
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".

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  (617): I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues". http://tfl.nu/ykd9
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  (585): View more from New York

  The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.

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  (585): The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi. http://tfl.nu/64lh
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?

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  (504): how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades? http://tfl.nu/s5wu
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy

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  (913): You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy http://tfl.nu/fi9p
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  (806): View more from Texas

  I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.

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  (806): I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned. http://tfl.nu/pksd
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?

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  (240): He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half? http://tfl.nu/4690
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?

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  (214): Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us? http://tfl.nu/e7z7
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games

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  (613): I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games http://tfl.nu/74pd
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason

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  (304): If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason http://tfl.nu/mpoe
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  (207): View more from Maine

  we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?

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  (207): we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet? http://tfl.nu/uydl
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  (509): View more from Washington

  They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.

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  (509): They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried. http://tfl.nu/h9l8
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...

  (1-479): View more from Arkansas

  I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma

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  (479): I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club... (1-479): I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma http://tfl.nu/vhqd
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.

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  (513): We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case. http://tfl.nu/f3uf
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.

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  (229): He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him. http://tfl.nu/c2pz
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  (850): View more from Florida

  my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.

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  (850): my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster. http://tfl.nu/974x
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.

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  (416): Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend. http://tfl.nu/lag5
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.

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  (484): Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever. http://tfl.nu/sgnv
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  (718): View more from New York

  Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.

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  (718): Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much. http://tfl.nu/absj
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......

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  (781): So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one....... http://tfl.nu/w37i
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.

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  (703): They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait. http://tfl.nu/6f6p
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  (716): View more from New York

  Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.

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  (716): Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon. http://tfl.nu/t979
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong

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  (443): I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong http://tfl.nu/v2kj
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  (858): View more from California

  Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"

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  (858): Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS" http://tfl.nu/1s89
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.

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  (320): I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on. http://tfl.nu/x1xg
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...

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  (303): so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob... http://tfl.nu/tixa
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?

  (1-816): View more from Missouri

  Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.

  (816): View more from Missouri

  ...... wtf.

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  (816): Where'd you guys get the alcohol from? (1-816): Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower. (816): ...... wtf. http://tfl.nu/k9gx
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  (631): View more from New York

  He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.

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  (631): He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved. http://tfl.nu/jbvc
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  bl l w

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.

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  (908): bl l w (201): this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel. http://tfl.nu/4an5
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  did u get his digits?

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...

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  (570): did u get his digits? (201): yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone... http://tfl.nu/pvtx
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  (516): View more from New York

  She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning

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  (516): She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning http://tfl.nu/jaay
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense

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  (785): he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense http://tfl.nu/p2yr
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n

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  (416): He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n http://tfl.nu/pe4m
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?

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  (307): you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right? http://tfl.nu/h1i3
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.

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  (303): She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan. http://tfl.nu/jf6q
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  (707): View more from California

  Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.

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  (707): Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room. http://tfl.nu/g35c
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...

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  (775): I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral... http://tfl.nu/9wf7
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  (650): View more from California

  Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.

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  (650): Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila. http://tfl.nu/lwvd
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"

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  (508): I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money" http://tfl.nu/engr
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  (510): View more from California

  Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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  (510): Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay http://tfl.nu/s2rn
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch

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  (804): She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch http://tfl.nu/datu
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  (352): View more from Florida

  She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"

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  (352): She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?" http://tfl.nu/uzh1
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  (607): View more from New York

  Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles

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  (607): Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles http://tfl.nu/47mn
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently

  (540): View more from Virginia

  and skipped dinner

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  (540): 3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently (540): and skipped dinner http://tfl.nu/igda
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.

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  (702): Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies. http://tfl.nu/viog
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"

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  (505): We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!" http://tfl.nu/sk68
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you

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  (602): I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you http://tfl.nu/rxgp
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year

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  (732): I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year http://tfl.nu/jq5i
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  (760): View more from California

  You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..

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  (760): You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching.. http://tfl.nu/8ueu
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.

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  (720): She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth. http://tfl.nu/5m3k
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.

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  (647): I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms. http://tfl.nu/aw2i
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.

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  (256): I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources. http://tfl.nu/m7l9
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  (408): View more from California

  It's chlamydia! Thank God!

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  (408): It's chlamydia! Thank God! http://tfl.nu/1hqj
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.

  (702): View more from Nevada

  now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"

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  (702): she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave. (702): now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like" http://tfl.nu/f7jt
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.

  (949): View more from California

  she's my drunk super hero.

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  (219): you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds. (949): she's my drunk super hero. http://tfl.nu/ngha
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls

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  (317): Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls http://tfl.nu/a8qz
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?

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  (843): I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome? http://tfl.nu/1lt0
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.

  (1-253): View more from Washington

  What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited

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  (253): Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack. (1-253): What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited http://tfl.nu/n0ma
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it

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  (973): So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it http://tfl.nu/ct20
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking

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  (804): I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking http://tfl.nu/lx04
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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  (978): i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf http://tfl.nu/hwzk
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  (+33): View more from France

  On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."

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  (+33): On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..." http://tfl.nu/o65f
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  (831): View more from California

  period poops. best. ever.

  (925): View more from California

  omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...

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  (831): period poops. best. ever. (925): omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that... http://tfl.nu/lwj4
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...

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  (803): Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together... http://tfl.nu/duna
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.

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  (410): Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on. http://tfl.nu/o94m
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  (914): View more from New York

  Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS

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  (914): Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS http://tfl.nu/w0yg
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot

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  (770): i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot http://tfl.nu/xdnv
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  (206): View more from Washington

  He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.

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  (206): He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants. http://tfl.nu/v3dq
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake

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  (740): I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake http://tfl.nu/bl2k
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.

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  (410): When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand. http://tfl.nu/fda6
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay

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  (508): Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay http://tfl.nu/rfq4
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.

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  (952): Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages. http://tfl.nu/1djk
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.

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  (860): you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance. http://tfl.nu/1cpz
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..

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  (630): Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.. http://tfl.nu/pq67
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.

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  (720): just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing. http://tfl.nu/182p
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.

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  (810): According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant. http://tfl.nu/aq1y
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.

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  (847): i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen. http://tfl.nu/1m72
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.

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  (651): I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister. http://tfl.nu/ezh5
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!

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  (610): I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin! http://tfl.nu/gtgt
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3

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  (403): Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3 http://tfl.nu/lt38
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.

  (352): View more from Florida

  Just realized these events may be related.

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  (352): I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window. (352): Just realized these events may be related. http://tfl.nu/i6sd
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.

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  (501): Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog. http://tfl.nu/8mg1
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.

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  (902): driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are. http://tfl.nu/vxum
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  At least he's a nutritious stoner...

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  (402): Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches. (1-402): At least he's a nutritious stoner... http://tfl.nu/2qp4
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  (801): View more from Utah

  He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...

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  (801): He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay... http://tfl.nu/tir1
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  (917): View more from New York City

  about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well

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  (917): about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well http://tfl.nu/ygjn
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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  (304): She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments http://tfl.nu/75se
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  (845): View more from New York

  Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.

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  (845): Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents. http://tfl.nu/6leg
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.

  (1-614): View more from Ohio

  and what did he say?

  (614): View more from Ohio

  there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.

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  (614): yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world. (1-614): and what did he say? (614): there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning. http://tfl.nu/xi47
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  (845): View more from New York

  i can't find my house

  (1-845): View more from New York

  we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

  (845): View more from New York

  i'm pretty sure my house moved.

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  (845): i can't find my house (1-845): we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago. (845): i'm pretty sure my house moved. http://tfl.nu/nzng
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?

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  (773): How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom? http://tfl.nu/o0zg
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.

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  (256): Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs. http://tfl.nu/y8sy
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now

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  (412): My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now http://tfl.nu/563a
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs

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  (702): What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs http://tfl.nu/q2ol
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."

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  (215): He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax." http://tfl.nu/odgz
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea

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  (732): the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea http://tfl.nu/kd80
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.

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  (405): She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade. http://tfl.nu/j0qu
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  (760): View more from California

  when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.

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  (760): when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice. http://tfl.nu/5xpe
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.

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  (843): You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield. http://tfl.nu/umxp
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"

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  (337): All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!" http://tfl.nu/qrwa
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Apparently senior citizens don't like that position

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  (505): Apparently senior citizens don't like that position http://tfl.nu/ttsr
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  (818): View more from California

  remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,

  (702): View more from Nevada

  Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.

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  (818): remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it, (702): Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch. http://tfl.nu/x8zx
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.

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  (267): She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point. http://tfl.nu/pwj5
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  (716): View more from New York

  He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid

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  (716): He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid http://tfl.nu/btyl
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.

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  (402): Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown. http://tfl.nu/l3ul
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  (714): View more from California

  walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

  (714): View more from California

  he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

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  (714): walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined (714): he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day http://tfl.nu/76ot
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Fuck now we have to have sex

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  What?

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  In a bet, need to win

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  (203): Fuck now we have to have sex (1-203): What? (203): In a bet, need to win http://tfl.nu/ejzn
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  (+91): View more from India

  Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.

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  (+91): Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not. http://tfl.nu/eg4c
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.

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  (304): I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk. http://tfl.nu/30xs
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  (315): View more from New York

  I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.

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  (315): I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever. http://tfl.nu/6dcd
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.

  (1-352): View more from Florida

  What?

  (352): View more from Florida

  Just dont open the beer drawer.

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  (352): Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge. (1-352): What? (352): Just dont open the beer drawer. http://tfl.nu/02la
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?

  (1-904): View more from Florida

  six.

  (904): View more from Florida

  Oh, I thought it was higher.

  (1-904): View more from Florida

  No, that would be the Matt's

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  (904): Another one? Damn, how many David's is that? (1-904): six. (904): Oh, I thought it was higher. (1-904): No, that would be the Matt's http://tfl.nu/8llg
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.

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  (540): You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm. http://tfl.nu/f71e
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.

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  (978): I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism. http://tfl.nu/fmul
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

  (905): View more from Ontario

  You're fat. Stop making excuses

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  (647): all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes (905): You're fat. Stop making excuses http://tfl.nu/rdmk
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.

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  (440): i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky. http://tfl.nu/4mz4
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.

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  (610): The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary. http://tfl.nu/0qxf
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts

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  (403): i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts http://tfl.nu/x8b0
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  (917): View more from New York City

  If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

  (917): View more from New York City

  Those had pot in them

  (917): View more from New York City

  And good luck on your interview asshole

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  (917): If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you (917): Those had pot in them (917): And good luck on your interview asshole http://tfl.nu/911g
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Hey man your outta milk

  (541): View more from Oregon

  How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!

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  (503): Hey man your outta milk (541): How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?! http://tfl.nu/1x3m
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.

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  (502): one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why. http://tfl.nu/9zaj
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.

  (503): View more from Oregon

  By 8 I mean 9.

  (503): View more from Oregon

  And by 9 I mean 10.

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  (503): One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party. (503): By 8 I mean 9. (503): And by 9 I mean 10. http://tfl.nu/vux8
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.

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  (919): We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash. http://tfl.nu/pn5n
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?

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  (318): What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway? http://tfl.nu/w9j3
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.

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  (704): He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle. http://tfl.nu/j8z9
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  (626): View more from California

  she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo

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  (626): she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo http://tfl.nu/loae
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  (716): View more from New York

  I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.

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  (716): I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk. http://tfl.nu/wlu8
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever

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  (330): fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever http://tfl.nu/itin
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help

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  (917): I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help http://tfl.nu/ynln
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.

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  (414): My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with. http://tfl.nu/07fq
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  (575): View more from New Mexico

  We need to talk about our relationship.

  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes

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  (575): We need to talk about our relationship. (403): I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes http://tfl.nu/0ub4
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

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  (440): Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried http://tfl.nu/9dr3
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  (904): View more from Florida

  it glows. i had to have it.

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  (904): it glows. i had to have it. http://tfl.nu/ygwq
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.

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  (860): So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this. http://tfl.nu/j4ab
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?

  (1-918): View more from Oklahoma

  No thats like a top 10

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  (918): is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night? (1-918): No thats like a top 10 http://tfl.nu/uawo
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  [insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]

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  (937): [insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight] http://tfl.nu/2cq7
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though

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  (817): Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though http://tfl.nu/u94q
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker

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  (330): I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker http://tfl.nu/il1k
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  (562): View more from California

  In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...

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  (562): In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for... http://tfl.nu/hz7t
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  (801): View more from Utah

  please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.

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  (801): please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist. http://tfl.nu/t4io
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.

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  (732): Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day. http://tfl.nu/xpns
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.

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  (520): 2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out. http://tfl.nu/1knp
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  (845): View more from New York

  I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!

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  (845): I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!! http://tfl.nu/6xbj
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Are you still giving blowjobs?

  (1-850): View more from Florida

  Who is this?

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  (850): Are you still giving blowjobs? (1-850): Who is this? http://tfl.nu/iq9v
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.

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  (203): Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned. http://tfl.nu/94k0
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.

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  (352): I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way. http://tfl.nu/qonl
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.

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  (908): there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time (732): no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution. http://tfl.nu/6mq6
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  (214): View more from Texas

  She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca

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  (214): She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca http://tfl.nu/k60q
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997

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  (217): Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997 http://tfl.nu/gfc1
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.

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  (724): Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted. http://tfl.nu/tz2e
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  (972): View more from Texas

  You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'

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  (972): You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.' http://tfl.nu/1grt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  that was a mass text, wasnt it?

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  (303): im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared. (1-303): that was a mass text, wasnt it? http://tfl.nu/9i1u
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.

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  (217): Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself. http://tfl.nu/hfdh
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  (661): View more from California

  His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger

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  (661): His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger http://tfl.nu/nen0
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.

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  (609): We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada. http://tfl.nu/0b9c
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  (714): View more from California

  Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.

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  (714): Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare. http://tfl.nu/ceys
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.

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  (864): so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence. http://tfl.nu/nvim
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.

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  (832): Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool. http://tfl.nu/d5dr
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.

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  (973): Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again. http://tfl.nu/gz8q
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?

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  (847): as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning? http://tfl.nu/weqo
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  (406): View more from Montana

  She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.

  (409): View more from Texas

  That was definitely the right answer.

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  (406): She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her. (409): That was definitely the right answer. http://tfl.nu/zisl
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  (760): View more from California

  My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?

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  (760): My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this? http://tfl.nu/9ow4
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us

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  (610): Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us http://tfl.nu/1uhw
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.

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  (773): Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat. http://tfl.nu/qnu6
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  He managed to light the Jello on fire...

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  (251): He managed to light the Jello on fire... http://tfl.nu/tu7i
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

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  (218): Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it. http://tfl.nu/dm7u
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  bc i get to see you. naked.

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  (203): are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid? (203): bc i get to see you. naked. http://tfl.nu/db7h
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.

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  (503): iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane. http://tfl.nu/zl9e
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  (315): View more from New York

  She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...

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  (315): She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this... http://tfl.nu/h8y9
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.

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  (405): Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts. http://tfl.nu/kf4k
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.

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  (337): Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have. http://tfl.nu/wctv
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?

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  (225): I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign? http://tfl.nu/j7ur
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.

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  (773): Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name. http://tfl.nu/27vq
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her

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  (678): SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her http://tfl.nu/v70p
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  (562): View more from California

  If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up

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  (562): If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up http://tfl.nu/jdv3
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  (315): View more from New York

  My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...

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  (315): My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships... http://tfl.nu/1r9u
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.

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  (908): Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic. http://tfl.nu/hh2b
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.

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  (850): Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual. http://tfl.nu/97w0
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.

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  (248): I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name. http://tfl.nu/axbm
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag

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  (+44): according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag http://tfl.nu/idf5
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  the worst part is we had a camera rolling

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Yes.

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  I have to watch that.

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  (215): the worst part is we had a camera rolling (267): Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys? (215): Yes. (267): I have to watch that. http://tfl.nu/u325
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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  (224): so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now. http://tfl.nu/4hn1
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.

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  (815): I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire. http://tfl.nu/5e7s
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom

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  (734): Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom http://tfl.nu/itfy
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  (916): View more from California

  We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.

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  (916): We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever. http://tfl.nu/dui8
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  And you didn't burst into flames?

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  (339): He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church. (1-203): And you didn't burst into flames? http://tfl.nu/aa0l
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  (530): View more from California

  you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"

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  (530): you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars" http://tfl.nu/ujcf
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...

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  (757): hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found... http://tfl.nu/titb
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.

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  (773): My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended. http://tfl.nu/c9ao
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.

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  (401): my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie. http://tfl.nu/a7k2
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.

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  (504): Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind. http://tfl.nu/yydb
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.

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  (740): Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins. http://tfl.nu/qxz4
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.

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  (540): my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited. http://tfl.nu/8ftm
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  (518): View more from New York

  All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

  (301): View more from Maryland

  OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

  (518): View more from New York

  Doritoesssssss

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  (518): All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss (301): OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with? (518): Doritoesssssss http://tfl.nu/528p
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  (806): View more from Texas

  We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.

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  (806): We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts. http://tfl.nu/2tox
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  (714): View more from California

  i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock

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  (714): i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock http://tfl.nu/oxvs
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.

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  (413): He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing. http://tfl.nu/up8v
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.

  (706): View more from Georgia

  i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...

  (971): View more from Oregon

  it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.

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  (971): one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull. (706): i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer... (971): it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible. http://tfl.nu/efvs
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  (206): View more from Washington

  She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.

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  (206): She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again. http://tfl.nu/x87e
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  (845): View more from New York

  I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.

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  (845): I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ. http://tfl.nu/s7ef
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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  (519): i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends? http://tfl.nu/08w4
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze

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  (224): Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze http://tfl.nu/j7ix
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits

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  (615): of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits http://tfl.nu/a8zr
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...

  (1-816): View more from Missouri

  Yeeah thank god

  (816): View more from Missouri

  Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.

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  (816): So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant... (1-816): Yeeah thank god (816): Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million. http://tfl.nu/pevw
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.

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  (605): I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum. http://tfl.nu/8vy8
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too

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  (603): im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too http://tfl.nu/8x1l
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  (985): View more from Louisiana

  I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it

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  (985): I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it http://tfl.nu/iwz3
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.

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  (970): Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well. http://tfl.nu/7lfy
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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  (937): There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich. http://tfl.nu/hmr5
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.

  (1-270): View more from Kentucky

  You should've just screamed yes we can!

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  (270): Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad. (1-270): You should've just screamed yes we can! http://tfl.nu/ng19
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that

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  (508): I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that http://tfl.nu/gfaw
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring

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  (765): i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring http://tfl.nu/hl5v
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper

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  (303): she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper http://tfl.nu/xl5z
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"

  (231): View more from Michigan

  OMG its one we used last night

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  (231): Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing" (231): OMG its one we used last night http://tfl.nu/jpyf
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.

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  (205): I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean. http://tfl.nu/fik0
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  (310): View more from California

  and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity

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  (310): and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity http://tfl.nu/4zrt
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.

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  (973): we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical. http://tfl.nu/h352
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

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  (317): The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic http://tfl.nu/lvdi
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  doooooooo herrrrrrrrr

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  I'm out of practice. be my yoda

  (314): View more from Missouri

  put your penis in her you must.

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  (314): doooooooo herrrrrrrrr (504): I'm out of practice. be my yoda (314): put your penis in her you must. http://tfl.nu/ti1e
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  (209): View more from California

  dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity

  (1-209): View more from California

  nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all

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  (209): dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity (1-209): nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all http://tfl.nu/t93h
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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  (301): Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort. http://tfl.nu/ivbh
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  (607): View more from New York

  haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.

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  (607): haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook. http://tfl.nu/7oed
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles

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  (215): he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles http://tfl.nu/ya5r
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.

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  (641): Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout. http://tfl.nu/rilo
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  (972): View more from Texas

  they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

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  (972): they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE! http://tfl.nu/deur
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

  (1-817): View more from Texas

  You weighed it?

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  (817): Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car? (1-817): You weighed it? http://tfl.nu/lai6
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.

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  (252): I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME. http://tfl.nu/1mf6
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence

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  (705): Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence http://tfl.nu/779y
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  (845): View more from New York

  Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?

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  (845): Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn? http://tfl.nu/bm5d
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?

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  (775): Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again? http://tfl.nu/oao4
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her

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  (780): I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her http://tfl.nu/1b2q
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  (917): View more from New York City

  found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him

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  (917): found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him http://tfl.nu/3fbj
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.

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  (305): Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS. http://tfl.nu/tzd0
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  (562): View more from California

  omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.

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  (562): omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever. http://tfl.nu/2p77
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  (310): View more from California

  Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck

  (312): View more from Illinois

  Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?

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  (310): Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck (312): Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to? http://tfl.nu/odqf
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  My cha cha got a haircut

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf

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  (814): My cha cha got a haircut (724): thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf http://tfl.nu/cixh
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  (305): View more from Florida

  considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?

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  (305): considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it? http://tfl.nu/ijgp
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  (916): View more from California

  You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..

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  (916): You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you.. http://tfl.nu/8fyi
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.

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  (308): I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose. http://tfl.nu/x4bb
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  (904): View more from Florida

  my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you

  (386): View more from Florida

  girlfriend?

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  (904): my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you (386): girlfriend? http://tfl.nu/fzzr
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!

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  (856): FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?! http://tfl.nu/ganv
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"

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  (812): just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer" http://tfl.nu/i06z
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  (+44): View more from England

  Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.

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  (+44): Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'. http://tfl.nu/zxab
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  (310): View more from California

  do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?

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  (310): do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking? http://tfl.nu/6m2c
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.

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  (816): believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward. http://tfl.nu/i2tt
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.

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  (401): she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride. http://tfl.nu/b4k2
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I mistook a propane tank for a keg.

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  (850): I mistook a propane tank for a keg. http://tfl.nu/qvlo
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.

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  (608): I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her. http://tfl.nu/mczp
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.

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  (612): I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school. http://tfl.nu/cnqq
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  (727): View more from Florida

  She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.

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  (727): She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek. http://tfl.nu/rrn9
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  (917): View more from New York City

  we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.

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  (917): we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender. http://tfl.nu/r1fg
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  (818): View more from California

  my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.

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  (818): my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank. http://tfl.nu/peny
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.

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  (610): There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here. http://tfl.nu/6w86
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality

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  (336): I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality http://tfl.nu/g1bs
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  just found the deal breaker

  (1-251): View more from Alabama

  hairy back?

  (251): View more from Alabama

  he can't live within 1000 ft of a school

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  (251): just found the deal breaker (1-251): hairy back? (251): he can't live within 1000 ft of a school http://tfl.nu/kwkd
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka

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  (443): So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka http://tfl.nu/4spi
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex

  (703): View more from Virginia

  I'm on my period, period, period

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  (540): birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex (703): I'm on my period, period, period http://tfl.nu/vsrk
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.

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  (775): Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk. (504): Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera. http://tfl.nu/hakn
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.

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  (480): so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out. http://tfl.nu/rr3m
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  (206): View more from Washington

  got weed?

  (425): View more from Washington

  I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.

  (206): View more from Washington

  sorry mom...

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  (206): got weed? (425): I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone. (206): sorry mom... http://tfl.nu/04mv
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.

  (719): View more from Colorado

  she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.

  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  are you serious?

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  (414): i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it. (719): she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her. (414): are you serious? http://tfl.nu/esul
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  (323): View more from California

  You got in a fight last night?

  (818): View more from California

  Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

  (323): View more from California

  Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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  (323): You got in a fight last night? (818): Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since. (323): Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you? http://tfl.nu/hf09
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..

  (703): View more from Virginia

  this can't be going anywhere good

  (571): View more from Virginia

  nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\

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  (571): Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah.. (703): this can't be going anywhere good (571): nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\ http://tfl.nu/4i13
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  (518): View more from New York

  my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...

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  (518): my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her... http://tfl.nu/xju0
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  (323): View more from California

  Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?

  (1-323): View more from California

  We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?

  (323): View more from California

  Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.

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  (323): Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender? (1-323): We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out? (323): Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture. http://tfl.nu/sr23
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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  (215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section http://tfl.nu/5gr0
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.

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  (202): I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me. http://tfl.nu/uo6c
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  (626): View more from California

  you didnt know i had herpes?

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  (626): you didnt know i had herpes? http://tfl.nu/e6ph
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

  (216): View more from Ohio

  Holy shit r u serious? How?

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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  (216): Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks. (440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf? (216): Holy shit r u serious? How? (440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you. http://tfl.nu/xwoo
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  happy early fathers day!!!

  (829): View more from Dominican Rep

  im not a father

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  about that...

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  (843): happy early fathers day!!! (829): im not a father (843): about that... http://tfl.nu/tk4z
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  (212): View more from New York

  i want you now

  (916): View more from California

  you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

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  (212): i want you now (916): you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this http://tfl.nu/8egt
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  (310): View more from California

  ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

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  (310): ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude. http://tfl.nu/5a88
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...

  (1-609): View more from New Jersey

  and?

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  RIP clitoris

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  (609): I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there... (1-609): and? (609): RIP clitoris http://tfl.nu/1ub6
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?

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  (780): Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top? http://tfl.nu/gcls
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  (207): View more from Maine

  dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat

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  (207): dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat http://tfl.nu/ast4
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night

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  (715): woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night http://tfl.nu/5q0r
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.

  (1-262): View more from Wisconsin

  That's funny. Are they weird looking???

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.

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  (262): There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart. (1-262): That's funny. Are they weird looking??? (262): OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS. http://tfl.nu/egmz
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  (408): View more from California

  You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.

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  (408): You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien. http://tfl.nu/6kyj
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

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  (240): boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill http://tfl.nu/6vp9
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.

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  (720): This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread. http://tfl.nu/5lzr
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops

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  (757): He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops http://tfl.nu/nwlp
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list

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  (330): Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list http://tfl.nu/ucvs
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.

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  (719): Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you. http://tfl.nu/04eg
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife

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  (828): the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife http://tfl.nu/ib00
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget

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  (231): i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget http://tfl.nu/6lyk
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  (949): View more from California

  Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up

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  (949): Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up http://tfl.nu/ti5i
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?

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  (704): I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right? http://tfl.nu/ljg3
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.

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  (704): so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER. http://tfl.nu/dexf
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.

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  (336): While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus. http://tfl.nu/10to
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?

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  (701): does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat? http://tfl.nu/hd1u
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  (214): View more from Texas

  herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.

  (1-214): View more from Texas

  ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...

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  (214): herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina. (1-214): ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname... http://tfl.nu/qpb9
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away

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  (989): dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away http://tfl.nu/dlah
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  I ordered a moonbounce.

  (813): View more from Florida

  Fuck, you win.

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  (813): Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party. (1-813): I ordered a moonbounce. (813): Fuck, you win. http://tfl.nu/qedv
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.

  (904): View more from Florida

  FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift

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  (614): Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing. (904): FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift http://tfl.nu/ws8p
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  (707): View more from California

  My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."

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  (707): My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet." http://tfl.nu/s1m4
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.

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  (312): I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix. http://tfl.nu/qngr
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.

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  (+44): Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint. http://tfl.nu/r0bi
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.

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  (540): She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her. http://tfl.nu/1bms
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.

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  (216): somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen. http://tfl.nu/y8ck
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  (716): View more from New York

  she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.

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  (716): she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless. http://tfl.nu/eill
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  (646): View more from New York

  They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!

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  (646): They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?! http://tfl.nu/7uj0
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."

  (423): View more from Tennessee

  Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.

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  (814): What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners." (423): Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A. (814): No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay. http://tfl.nu/o5wb
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.

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  (306): No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes. http://tfl.nu/ocj3
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  (760): View more from California

  The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.

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  (760): The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper. http://tfl.nu/pbch
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.

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  (540): I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans. http://tfl.nu/xkea
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"

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  (313): Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ" http://tfl.nu/pk0t
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.

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  (610): As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet. http://tfl.nu/swmp
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

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  (540): he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride http://tfl.nu/4fyt
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  (518): View more from New York

  I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.

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  (518): I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire. http://tfl.nu/37qo
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  (818): View more from California

  he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came

  (323): View more from California

  i love that song!

  (818): View more from California

  NOT THE POINT

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  (818): he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came (323): i love that song! (818): NOT THE POINT http://tfl.nu/7i6t
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.

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  (803): I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene. http://tfl.nu/fj0l
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  (214): View more from Texas

  A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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  (214): A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot. http://tfl.nu/a1lj
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  (716): View more from New York

  the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..

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  (716): the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is.. http://tfl.nu/mon5
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

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  (815): Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself. http://tfl.nu/xo78
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.

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  (517): My own mom unfriended me on Facebook. http://tfl.nu/a468
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.

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  (859): So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form. http://tfl.nu/if3v
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.

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  (443): One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done. http://tfl.nu/o8ax
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

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  (814): All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles. http://tfl.nu/duc8
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  (213): View more from California

  I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.

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  (213): I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on. http://tfl.nu/rma0
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

  (316): View more from Kansas

  Toaster

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  (319): On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you? (316): Toaster http://tfl.nu/fbwm
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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  (703): How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist http://tfl.nu/hzre
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  (830): View more from Texas

  I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter

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  (830): I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter http://tfl.nu/xpn7
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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  (636): A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it. http://tfl.nu/t9xf
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  hows the party?

  (816): View more from Missouri

  ists fjcssing insceredle

  (913): View more from Kansas

  be there in 10

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  (913): hows the party? (816): ists fjcssing insceredle (913): be there in 10 http://tfl.nu/innz
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

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  (256): Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade. http://tfl.nu/llb7
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

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  (219): Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night. http://tfl.nu/jfm9
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  (516): View more from New York

  and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.

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  (516): and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars. http://tfl.nu/d908
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  (518): View more from New York

  you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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  (518): you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!" http://tfl.nu/jby7
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."

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  (301): let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child." http://tfl.nu/sqg2
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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  (216): fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again. http://tfl.nu/nv5y
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.

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  (610): The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices. http://tfl.nu/tdjd
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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  (770): just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes. http://tfl.nu/9iko
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?

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  (203): walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something? http://tfl.nu/j190
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.

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  (702): I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights. http://tfl.nu/kdxh
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?

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  (702): well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right? http://tfl.nu/0mj4
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.

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  (816): Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower. http://tfl.nu/cq6t
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  it's 1 pm.

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  (203): i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words. (1-203): it's 1 pm. http://tfl.nu/0ewp
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  (559): View more from California

  You realize it's finals week?

  (408): View more from California

  Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.

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  (559): You realize it's finals week? (408): Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first. http://tfl.nu/rjos
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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  (604): She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking. http://tfl.nu/ilmx
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments

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  (540): I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments http://tfl.nu/peng
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining

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  (541): You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining http://tfl.nu/2n0l
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  (801): View more from Utah

  don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.

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  (801): don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy. http://tfl.nu/h3zi
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.

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  (608): I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday. http://tfl.nu/an09
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later

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  (706): Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later http://tfl.nu/a02r
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"

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  (978): please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker" http://tfl.nu/kgaf
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.

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  (616): This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle. http://tfl.nu/b46q
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

  (1-440): View more from Ohio

  please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

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  (440): I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee (1-440): please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation http://tfl.nu/gydk
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.

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  (816): If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day. http://tfl.nu/k8ur
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  (323): View more from California

  I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?

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  (323): I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes? http://tfl.nu/rey6
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  (347): View more from New York

  Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.

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  (347): Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account. http://tfl.nu/m8a3
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  (+65): View more from

  He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?

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  (+65): He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay? http://tfl.nu/afe2
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?

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  (316): i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight? http://tfl.nu/82sl
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  (650): View more from California

  they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.

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  (650): they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids. http://tfl.nu/zjz8
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.

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  (732): a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove. http://tfl.nu/qfpc
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  (818): View more from California

  Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.

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  (818): Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works. http://tfl.nu/ca8d
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.

  (917): View more from New York City

  I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.

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  (352): I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God. (917): I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice. http://tfl.nu/jdh1
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.

  (217): View more from Illinois

  gotta love wednesdays

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  (309): In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st. (217): gotta love wednesdays http://tfl.nu/3grc
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top

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  (405): New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top http://tfl.nu/zi79
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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  (401): he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick http://tfl.nu/778x
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.

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  (828): Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious. http://tfl.nu/m393
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?

  (720): View more from Colorado

  Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.

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  (303): You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher? (720): Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced. http://tfl.nu/qahj
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.

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  (443): I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people. http://tfl.nu/qtnv
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.

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  (231): A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people. http://tfl.nu/k0xd
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.

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  (978): They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people. http://tfl.nu/oty8
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.

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  (908): There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life. http://tfl.nu/ab1p
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring

  (989): View more from Michigan

  i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me

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  (231): my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring (989): i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me http://tfl.nu/18pl
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???

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  (702): did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant??? http://tfl.nu/mp1l
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  (408): View more from California

  I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?

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  (408): I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access? http://tfl.nu/pvq3
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST

  (602): View more from Arizona

  I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!

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  (480): YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST (602): I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise! http://tfl.nu/2ck7
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  (310): View more from California

  it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined

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  (310): it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined http://tfl.nu/11oi
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning

  (1-217): View more from Illinois

  didn't feel it. :)

  (217): View more from Illinois

  It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.

  (1-217): View more from Illinois

  wait what? so it's not in america?

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  (217): Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning (1-217): didn't feel it. :) (217): It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't. (1-217): wait what? so it's not in america? http://tfl.nu/0q24
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.

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  (732): Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest. http://tfl.nu/jp7b
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.

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  (617): i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night. http://tfl.nu/15vj
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.

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  (856): So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron. http://tfl.nu/ru5k
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please

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  (504): today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please http://tfl.nu/2mvs
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  God I fucking love America.

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  (513): NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016... (1-513): God I fucking love America. http://tfl.nu/eses
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures

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  (304): Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures http://tfl.nu/pect
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  ...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname

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  (412): the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime (724): ...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname http://tfl.nu/hnce
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly

  (1-208): View more from Idaho

  What is a GED?

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  (208): Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly (1-208): What is a GED? http://tfl.nu/qgi3
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

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  (703): swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back." (202): buy whatever she's on. a lot of it. http://tfl.nu/b6gr
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.

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  (773): I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant. (847): Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you. http://tfl.nu/48mv
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living

  (1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

  bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  This is sufficient.

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  (412): Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living (1-412): bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug (412): This is sufficient. http://tfl.nu/p15m
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Dude she let me cum on her face

  (1-843): View more from South Carolina

  You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning

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  (843): Dude she let me cum on her face (1-843): You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning http://tfl.nu/f5g3
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  Tell me the dirtiest joke you know

  (1-907): View more from Alaska

  Sarah Palin

  (907): View more from Alaska

  god, I love you

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  (907): Tell me the dirtiest joke you know (1-907): Sarah Palin (907): god, I love you http://tfl.nu/fmd4
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  (516): View more from New York

  you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.

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  (516): you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer. http://tfl.nu/fm8w
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.

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  (405): defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far. http://tfl.nu/t2l0
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.

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  (203): We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom. http://tfl.nu/yf2o
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"

  (1-864): View more from South Carolina

  as in "white"?

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  (864): If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry" (1-864): as in "white"? http://tfl.nu/140y
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.

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  (604): Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating. http://tfl.nu/sjit
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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  (563): Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade http://tfl.nu/sv7y
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?

  (1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit

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  (412): How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body? (1-412): Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit http://tfl.nu/2oue
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.

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  (832): i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week. http://tfl.nu/mv1q
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.

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  (734): swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense. http://tfl.nu/wj9q
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home

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  (612): Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home http://tfl.nu/ug2x
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...

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  (613): Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry... http://tfl.nu/3gdb
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  (206): View more from Washington

  He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.

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  (206): He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears. http://tfl.nu/u9sm
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car

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  (803): just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car http://tfl.nu/l192
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  (716): View more from New York

  fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans

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  (716): fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans http://tfl.nu/906w
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.

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  (613): So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely. http://tfl.nu/77c9
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  (661): View more from California

  i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..

  (951): View more from California

  u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!

  (661): View more from California

  i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u

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  (661): i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break.. (951): u hav a 3 hour lunch break?! (661): i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u http://tfl.nu/1ary
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.

  (571): View more from Virginia

  was that a mass text??

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  (804): Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing. (571): was that a mass text?? http://tfl.nu/0791
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.

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  (301): im trying to catch a child molester. call you later. http://tfl.nu/dlxg
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.

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  (519): Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle. http://tfl.nu/hct4
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.

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  (612): I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda. http://tfl.nu/fjuw
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...

  (1-913): View more from Kansas

  What?!

  (913): View more from Kansas

  Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!

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  (913): Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom... (1-913): What?! (913): Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!! http://tfl.nu/4m0s
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  (408): View more from California

  She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...

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  (408): She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that. (717): I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother... http://tfl.nu/ehm3
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant

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  (705): dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant http://tfl.nu/i402
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  birth control should be required to get into college

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  (413): birth control should be required to get into college http://tfl.nu/91c5
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"

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  (774): all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you" http://tfl.nu/p8m9
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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  (219): rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them http://tfl.nu/zf3d
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  (516): View more from New York

  ...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?

  (585): View more from New York

  hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that

  (516): View more from New York

  is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?

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  (516): ...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year? (585): hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that (516): is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ? http://tfl.nu/juy6
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...

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  (443): dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this... http://tfl.nu/lbrb
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  (925): View more from California

  we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself

  (707): View more from California

  dude you teach first grade wtf

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  (925): we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself (707): dude you teach first grade wtf http://tfl.nu/gqyp
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  (813): View more from Florida

  running late. just ran over a dude on a bike

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  (813): running late. just ran over a dude on a bike http://tfl.nu/e4pf
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.

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  (803): Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine. http://tfl.nu/e72g
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  (949): View more from California

  Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

  (1-949): View more from California

  are you seriously doing this over text message

  (949): View more from California

  hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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  (949): Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me? (1-949): are you seriously doing this over text message (949): hahaha no, but i am dumping you. http://tfl.nu/2zd7
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.

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  (928): I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera. http://tfl.nu/yx0c
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....

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  (970): just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address.... http://tfl.nu/ivpp
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  (949): View more from California

  I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.

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  (949): I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation. http://tfl.nu/8430
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