So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Loading more great texts...