hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
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