When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
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