Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
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