i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
NoShamevember. You game?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
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