At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
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