We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Loading more great texts...