Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
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I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
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