I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Loading more great texts...