my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
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