PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
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