Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
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