As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Sorry my hands just texted you
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
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