Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
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