Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Send us your Text From Last Night!
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
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