This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
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