I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
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