So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Send us your Text From Last Night!
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
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