WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Loading more great texts...