She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
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