I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
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