Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You are a booty call, not a friend.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Loading more great texts...