Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
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