im calling her cock vulture from now on
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
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