he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Send us your Text From Last Night!
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
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