Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Loading more great texts...