Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Send us your Text From Last Night!
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
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