First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
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Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
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