i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
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