Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
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Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
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