well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I fill condoms, not promises.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
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