I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
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