so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
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